anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Thursday, May 29, 2014

The Lesson I keep having to learn

I have always been a black and white kind of girl, and I don't mean style wise. I have a deep seated belief in justice, right and wrong. It doesn't always serve me well. In fact, it rarely does. There's so much of the world that's gray.
I keep thinking that I've learned this lesson, but I keep realizing that I SUCK at this lesson. 
Don't misunderstand me. I am not often mistreated, but when I think too much about myself, I start to think that I've been mistreated. 
Yesterday I came head to head with my own selfishness. Thinking about how much I feel that I have to do. Things that are asked of me, that I don't feel are asked of others. Whether that be cleaning the kitchen or doing a favor for someone who wouldn't do one for me. 
I always try to keep score.
I know that I shouldn't, but I'm always counting in my head, what I gave up, what I never got back. It's a horrible horrible thing that I keep having to learn not to do. 
The fact is, that even if I try, I cannot count what others have given up for me. 
The fact is, I do not deserve anything. 
The fact is, that even if I count the hurts that have been caused to me, I cannot count the hurts that I have caused to others. 
Balancing the line between forgiving others and not letting myself be walked over has always been hard for me. I tend to swing hard one way or the other.
I have to fight being spiteful way more often than I would like to admit. Because it shouldn't matter how others treat me. At least, it should not affect the way that I treat them. 
And so this is a lesson that I will keep working on, that I will keep repeating in my head, until I don't have to fight the spite any more, and I can just love people the way that I should.
Until keeping score, is no longer who I am.  

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