anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Unwanted Dreams

I am a dreamer. I dream in the sunshine, I dream in the dark. I dream while reading and writing and speaking. My dreams have always been a little bit different. Mostly because they involve a lot of running, a lot of death. Mostly mine. 

As far back as I can remember I have dreamt about being chased. About people trying to kill me. After awhile I just let them. Why fight it?

Not only are my dreams about running, but beyond content, they're always hyper realistic. I feel tired if I run too long. I feel cold if I'm outside. And I feel pain when a knife slices me open. It doesn't scare me.

What scares me is when the dreams are about people I know. When someone I care about dies. Or, when someone I loved shows up again.

I can't tell you the number of dreams I had after I first had my heart well and truly broken. The way he would come back for me. The way it messed me up for days, even when I was awake. The way I prayed for the dreams to stop. The way I made him promise it wasn't a dream, just to wake up and find out that it was.

I had a dream like that the other night. Not about an ex- boyfriend (well... yeah) but about an ex-best friend. My best friend of almost 8 years. The first one I have ever decided to let go because I couldn't handle it anymore. I dreamt that we were best friends again. He came back for me. And just like years ago when I made my first love promise it wasn't a dream, I made him promise. Promise promise promise.

But it was.

It was a dream and I had to drag myself out of bed in the morning. I had to go to work. I had to pretend I wasn't all shattered inside all over again. 

How do you move on from that? How do you explain to the world that today hurts because of something that never happened?
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