anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Monday, June 9, 2014

The Sunset Cure

Sometimes you are broken, in heart, in spirit, and it's all you can do to keep yourself together. On days like that, I believe in Sunsets. 
I believe in sunsets because of the little prince. It is one of my favorite books of all time. It's deep and heartbreaking, one of the few books to make this "heartless" girl cry. And it is beautiful. 
In it, he talks about how he was very sad, and how he watched the sun set on his little planet. It was so small that he could move his chair and watch it set over and over again. 
I have had days like this. 
I have been so broken, that I listed all the ways that I used to be, so I could remind myself how to act like a person. I have been so shattered that poetry poured out of me (good, bad, and horrible). I have been so messed up that my brain listed anything, everything, over and over again just to keep myself from remembering why I was in so much pain. 
And so, I would watch the sunset. I would watch the colors change and fade. A dying song in color. So beautiful, that I made myself believe in sunshine and roses. So impermanent, that I knew that pain like this couldn't last forever. 

I have a deep abiding mistrust of happiness. 
It has seemed to me before, a promise of the pain to follow. 
And pain has followed. 
And somewhere along the way, I learned to take that pain, to push it down, to let myself break, because somehow, some time, things come back up. Things work out. Maybe not the way I intended. Ok, never the way that I intended, but I am always OKAY, in the end. Make no mistake, I am shattered, shattered still over so many things, but all those broken pieces, though they may clank around in my soul, though they may occasionally tear their way to the surface, they catch the light. 
What better light to catch than sunlight?

So I love sunsets. I love them for the boy who made me notice them. I love them for the way they exist outside of film and only in human memory. I love them for the way they managed to slowly, but surely, mend my broken heart. I love them for the beauty that they show me. 
Right now, I don't need the sunset cure, but I know, sometime, I will. It's comforting to know that there will always be another sunset, another fingerprint of color that lives just once. Always another promise that like the dying day, something ending can leave beauty behind. 
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