anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

I thought I was getting Fat...

So we've talked about how I am a skinny girl. I think it's one of those things that is kind of obvious, but anyway, yeah, I am a skinny girl. However, while I never have had an eating disorder, I have always been terrified of getting fat. And probably not for the reasons that you think. Or maybe, who knows what normal people think about getting fat. Anyway, the reason I have been afraid to get fat is partially because I have never in living memory been fat (I was kind of a chunky little baby), but also because being skinny is part of my identity. I have always been the skinny one. It's part of what you might describe me as if you were trying to ask someone if they knew me.

My friend has been getting skinnier and skinnier. And has rapidly been approaching my weight (I hover around 116-124), and so when he told me he was almost there, I thought it would be funny to see if I weighed more than him. I hadn't checked my weight on the scale for awhile and I've been pretty active as of late (trying to get into running and going dancing once a week), so I figured it wouldn't even be close. 

I ran off to the scale and weighed myself.

Wait, what?

129. I have never weighed 129 in my life. Never. Not even in college when I was eating either ramen noodles or fast food. 

Really not funny.

I tried to tell myself that it was no big deal, that I must have gained muscle weight or something. I went back out and told everyone, trying to be non-chalant that I now weighed both more than I have in my entire life, and also that I now weighed more than my friend. 

Inside I was screaming.  Should I be running more? Eating less crap? Maybe the day had finally come when my metabolism broke and I'd be sentenced to being fat for the rest of my life and never get to eat another french fry. In the words of hyperbole and a half, that would be too many. 

I tried not to worry about it, especially because I had Zero time to do anything about it with our Disneyland trip only a few days away. I considered running on vacation. Finding a way not to eat the bad food. But in the end, I decided to do nothing and hope that I could pretend that this was all a bad dream. My jeans still fit fine. I didn't look fat to myself, but that number on the scale was eating me alive. 

We got back from vacation, and I decided to weigh myself again. Praying that the number had gone down, and really praying that I hadn't somehow tripped over the 130 mark.

I stepped on the scale. 128.3. No dice. Even with all the walking at Disneyland. I was still dead in the water. (forgive me for the many water references lately. I just wrote a novel about mermaids...).

Then my little sister picked up the scale and moved it. She had me step on the scale again. I doubted that anything would change, but I did it.


I felt like laughing. Screaming, jumping for joy! I hadn't gotten fat! I could still be the skinny girl. The scale literally was broken. Or, apparently does not measure accurately unless it is on a level surface. 

But it got me to thinking. What am I going to do when I do get fat? Or at the very least, pregnant? (I sincerely hope to never get fat.) To be honest. I don't really know. I don't know what I'm going to do when the day comes that. I don't know how I will cope with not being the skinny girl. All I know is that I am so grateful that I'm not getting fat. And yes, I know that 130 would not make me fat. Clearly it would not hurt me a bit to gain a little weight, the real problem is that my body likes to hover lower. So if I go over that, then maybe my whole body will be broken and swing far to the other side. I was worried not that I would be 130, but that the number wouldn't stop there. 

So I don't have all the answers, but I thought that it was worth sharing. I have insecurities, yes. 
Pin ThisShare on TumblrShare on Google Plus

No comments:

Post a Comment