anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Let them See your Heart

Writing Journal Project #14

Take a risk on the page. Let them see your heart. Drop your secrets like dreams into harsh black lines that tell too much and too little. This is what makes your secrets live. Heartbreak and heart ruin spelled out in images that they can't understand.

Like dew evaporating from grass. Beautiful, an image too fleeting to catch.

Because our souls, yours and mine have seen so much. Too many faces. Too many words repeated from different mouths.

The words feel broken and jagged now. Tearing what they were intended to mend. 
I have been destroyed and I have been the destroyer. I know what it takes to tear a soul. To wring raindrops out of a helpless cloud. I have been wrung dry. Where some seem empty to begin with.

I watched the clouds drop their precious hearts to the ground yesterday. Watched the wood take all it could and then let it run off the sides.

My secret heart breaks run canyons deep and scattered. A cracked desert crust runs to the core. This should be something water can cure, but instead, this is what water, and words, create. 

At least there are no lists. At least I am not that broken. That I don't need each item like a stitch or staple holding me together. Not this time. 

I can hear the silence. I can feel it settled on my skin. And maybe silence isn't better than shouting in my head. 
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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Monday Moments

I am well aware that this is going up on a Tuesday, but in my defense I am writing this on Monday. 
I felt like you guys would be more interested in a love story installment than a recap of what I did last week. 

I still can't believe that I'm getting married in this beautiful building. :)

The Captain and I went to Sushi Express on a date after the temple. I would recommend it guys! We go there anytime we want Sushi and it's always delicious and it's never busy, although I would rather it be busy because I would be super sad if they went out of business. 

My Cinderella shoes for the wedding came last week 

I made Apple Crisp to welcome fall! It was actually quite the ordeal. Two of my apples were rotten at the core, I knocked a perfectly good one to the floor, I halved the recipe and only forgot to halve half the ingredients... it was a time, but it turned out pretty good! Now I just need to figure out how to make a good gluten free apple crisp!

This was a super delicious sandwich my mom made for Sunday dinner. Bacon, sautéed onions, havarti cheese on garlic sourdough grilled cheese. SO good. For reals though. 

How was your weekend? 
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Monday, September 28, 2015

Love Story: Part 5

I believe we left off with the Jazz game. It was the beginning of us hanging out all the time. It didn't really seem weird at all to go from not seeing each other hardly at all to hanging out 3-4 times a week. 

Something about that time that we first cuddled seemed to have broken us, so we'd hang out and cuddle and talk until about 3 in the morning most nights. Which if you know me is not actually a good way to go seeing as I am not, nor have I ever been a night owl. 
It wasn't all that weird either to me, because most of my best friends had been boys. 

So just like that, the Captain and I moved into the best friend zone. With everyone confused about whether or not we were dating, except us. 

Well, for a little while at least...

The Captain systematically started introducing me to his friends, and honestly I thought nothing of it, thought nothing of my mother constantly asking if we were dating, it wasn't until we went to a Halloween Party with his friends. It was a scary movie (I do not do scary movies, I scare way too easily) and so we were cuddling. After the movie was over one of his friends just came right out and said it, "So are you two dating? Or thinking about dating?"

I can honestly say that up until that point I had never even considered dating the Captain. I laughed so loudly and abruptly at the question with a "NO!" that I worried that I'd hurt the Captain's feelings. But it was just so ridiculous! That Captain? And Me? that was never going to happen!

Then two weeks later, the Captain tried to kiss me. 

I really shouldn't have been surprised. Usually my guy friends ended up falling for me. I didn't think I would have to worry about it with the Captain, at least for awhile. 

I turned my head. 

And he apologized.

I told him not to worry about it, and honestly the awkward moment only lasted a few seconds. Then we were back to talking, like nothing had ever happened. 

And I thought that we were out of the woods. He'd attempted, and I'd said no, and now we could just be friends. 

This is how I learned the power of thoughts.

Because I thought about it now. I thought about what it might have been like if I had let him kiss me. 

That might have been the end of that, just a little day dream about what it could be like if I dated the Captain.

Except that wasn't the last time that he tried to kiss me. 

More Love Story:

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Sunday, September 27, 2015

The Ring Rule

Do as some of you may remember, at the beginning of this year I made a goal to be more diligent in my spiritual efforts. One of the goals that I made was to pray on my knees morning and night, which is actually a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

So, in an effort to help myself remember, I created the ring rule.

The rule is that I can't put on my rings in the morning (originally it was just my CTR ring and now it's my CTR ring and my engagement ring) until I have said my prayers. And at night I say them just after I take them off. It helps me to remember and keeps it as a set part of my day.

How do you remember to pray?
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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Writing Journal Project

I've been toying with the idea of posting some of my writing journal entries for awhile. Maybe because I wrote them, but I really like them, more than some of the poetry that they've actually inspired. 
So today I decided I'd start, because why not? Worst thing that could happen is that no one reads them, and that's what's happening now anyway :)

This one is from June 2013

I was thinking about Moab. Day 1. True Day 1. Driving down. No one had a camera. We just had our eyes. We crossed a river. The moon was nearly full. Luminescent sugar white hanging above the river, painting silver down the middle, rippling to midnight blue at the edges.

Soak it up with your heart.

Unseen places. New for everyone but J. First timers. Everything was beauty. Sage brush to sand. The moon closer and larger than ever before. Peeking between mountains. Red rock. Everywhere.

Earth soaring to sky in formations like a dance, frozen. We drank in the sights, pouring it deep so it couldn't seep away. 

Moab children.

Beauty edged with heat and pain. Journey and adventure harder than we imagined. Pep talking silently to move from arch to arch. 

Resting in shade, pushing personal limits, watching others push theirs. Rock drenched in culture. Words on every side, glimpses of other countries. 

Heart pounding in hips. One word stories. Laughter that hurts your back and abs, oxygen deprivation, fingertips tingling.

Isolated in stillness. Crimson coursing to the ground while people working. But they listen when I call out. Remember. Ask. 

Romanticize a moment. A glance. Best Friends Ever. Lost to us by unmeant gestures. Sudden reality striking us where we haven't been hurt in so long. A getaway. An escape turned trap, sticking fast in drama. Whispers and questions you don't want to answer. Refusal. Bound. Caught
once happily.

These are the questions that shape the future and carve your soul.
Will you be brave? Is this what you want? "What are you doing?" What are you continuing to do?

Germans and red ants. Bugs only biting boys. Don't get too close. Stay far away.
Race to catch the moon. Watch it rise. Stories in sand. Challenges by firelight. Gone by morning.
Stay late, up early.

Packing everything into moments. 
Comfort in sleep, dreams the only real escape.
Laying on your back, seeing only sky. Forging ahead. Get up or roll back

No need to tell bedtime adventures. 

And there you have it! Let me know what you think! Thank you all for reading! :)

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Monday, September 21, 2015

Monday Moments

I keep thinking that things are all set for the wedding... And then there are more things to plan. I can't believe how close it is (for my mother's sake I won't tell you how many days are left). 

Anyway here was my week!

This is how my nephew rolls :)

There was a lot of nephew napping time at my house. But don't let that fool you into believing that he sleeps all the time, just after he's worn everyone out being an adorable little boy.

The Captain made us his famous orange julius. In case you were wondering the recipe is:
1 can orange juice concentrate
1 cup of sugar (or less if you don't like the idea of drinking a cup of sugar ;) )
1 cup of milk
1 cup of ice 
A generous splash of Vanilla (very generous)

As previously stated on instagram, Junior Caramels were gross, but chocolate is basically the greatest ever.

Sometimes you've just got to Karaoke Mama's Broken Heart with your little sister.

Lastly, it was my Mama's birthday on Saturday and so we had this cake to celebrate last night. It was the first time in a few years that we didn't build the pirate ship on her birthday and watch pirates of the Caribbean. It's ok though, there's always next year ;)

Hope that you all had a great week! I don't remember what it was like before wedding planning became my after school activity so to all you girls out there, feel no shame in planning that whole thing out before you even find a man. Like for reals. 

Thanks for Reading! :)
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Thursday, September 17, 2015

Love Story Part 4: The All Nighter

I feel like it's about time for another installment of our love story. 

We'll fast forward over the boring bits (you're welcome).

Suffice it so say that we both sang at the same rehabilitation center every Sunday in high school, we had a lot of mutual friends from that (also the Captain happens to personally know half of the world). 

And so we settled into this routine of seeing each other every couple months, he went on a mission to Brazil at which time I wrote him a grand total of 0 letters (I had a rule about going foreign and not writing them... apparently I have a lot of rules for my life). 

Just before his mission he got a girlfriend, his very first (I was on and off again with another member of our EFY crew) and I was SO happy for him. 

Like seriously. 

And he came home from his mission and we settled back into our routine of hanging out every few months, but this time we would hang out alone. Usually late at night, we would go drive somewhere and spill out our lives to each other. We'd talk about everything, but mostly about who we were or were not dating at the time.

I remember when he first told me he was chasing a girl who was 5' 10" and I told him he was crazy as I tramped out to the old bingham football field in my slippers and sweats.

Or the time that he came over just around the time that I would start dating my much shorter than me boyfriend (he was 5' 3") and I thought how good he looked when he walked in the door which completely baffled me because previous to this time I had never looked at the Captain and thought he was handsome. And we ended up noncommittally cuddling that night (we are both cuddlers, and at the time I thought it was one of the weirdest things that had happened to me to date).

And somehow I believed him when he said that he thought I was awesome and that if he didn't live so far away we would hang out all the time, even when he moved closer and he didn't even talk to me. 

And that's how we ended up hanging out on October 9th of last year. It had been almost a year (or longer) since we'd hung out and it was time for us to catch up. He picked me up and we went out for ice cream (which I was sad about because I didn't eat dinner because I thought we might go get something to eat), and we sat outside to eat it and I froze to death while he told me about what had happened since I last talked to him. 

I spilled all about this friend of mine that was playing hot and cold with me, and he told me about how he'd gotten his heart broken pretty badly in the past two years.

We went back to his house and talked for a few hours, watched Return to Me, and showed each other youtube videos. All the while I kept looking at the clock and wondering when this boy was going to take me home. He was my ride home and I'm not the kind of girl who asks to leave. All the while I was getting more hungry.

So around 4 in the morning, having decided that he wasn't planning on taking me home. I demanded that he feed me. We decided to go to breakfast, but since nowhere was open yet we decided to kill time by exploring an apartment building that was under construction. 

Because what else are two responsible 24 year olds going to do at 4 in the morning?

And then finally, at about 5:30 AM we went to breakfast, and I realized that I was SO close to having been awake for 24 hours straight, which I had never done. I told the Captain and we decided to stay up! We were almost to my house when we realized that the sun was almost up.

So we decided to go out to the mountains and watch the sun rise. (It was actually very cold, and the sun didn't come up for over an hour, and we both ended up using the wilderness, but who cared because we were never going to date each other!)

And he dropped me off and I figured that I would probably not see him for another few months at the least and another year at the most (we'd discussed how we were both kind of anti-social, no way that we could hang out with each other every night, even though we both thought the other person was way cool).

He texted me to hang out again two days later...

Photo Cred: Erik Merrill
More Love Story:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
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Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Monday Moments

So I suck at blogging and I suck at Monday moments, and all these pictures were kind of meant for instagram... but I don't suck at taking pictures, so here we are with two weeks of Monday Moments pictures on a Tuesday. 

We went on a date :) And I tried Smash burger for the first time. I didn't love my burger. I wanted more pickles... I LOVE me some pickles. Apollo burger still makes the best burgers.(Pickles, in every bite!)

While on our date we found me a new fragrance! What is your favorite perfume? Or cologne? :)
I love me a good smelling man!

The Captain had his very first experience at Swiss days and his very first Scone! In the Utah sense of the word (the only one's worth being called scones if you ask me).

Because we had to try out all the possible desserts for the wedding luncheon. I won't lie, when I go to almost any restaurant my food choice is largely dictated by whether or not it comes with fries. 

This is right next to someone's house. Yup, I would totally live here.

This is how I feel almost every morning. Also, you can't see it in the picture, but my wedding dress is hanging just outside the frame of the picture :)

Date night last week where we got Chipotle and then went and bought our wedding bands. It was a great date :)

I finished early at the temple and so I got to sit outside where we will be sealed and just enjoy. 

Sneak peek of our engagements :)

The Captain's Mom has been in town so she could drop off the Captain's little sister at college and so we ate at McGrath's Fish House last night with everyone. I got the Chicken Medeira and it was AMAZING. I'm still thinking about it now. AND it came with Fries :)

The skies this morning before the downpour...

Which I got caught in on my way home. And I actually wasn't sad about it at all. The rain is pretty great. 

Things have been so crazy lately trying to plan my wedding, and my sister's, but it has also been pretty great. 

Hope you are all having a great week! I'll be putting up more of our love story this week! 
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Sunday, September 6, 2015

Love Story Post #3

The next even kind of exciting thing that happened in my relationship with The Captain was that he took me on a date. Believe it or not, according to my rules, this was the only date that we went on before we were officially dating.

I'm not sure how he asked me out on this date, but this is what I wrote in my date diary:

Feb. 9, 2007     Date 7 This was the 7th date that I went on / "There are a million things a
                                                                                                 man won't do for $5 but  
                                                                                               there aren't 5 things a man 
                                                                                           won't do for a million dollars"
Name: The Captain 16, Junior
What we did: Went and saw Curious Savage & Ice cream
Couple we went with: None  Oh the scandal of a single date
Rating: Awesome! Yes, I rated every date.

We'll start with the Quotes. 
"I can't be poor, I don't know how!" 
"Nothing makes the truth more shabby than a magnificent lie"
"We say goodbye to people we don't want to see again"
"Fight the night!"

First of all The Captain picked me up in Jenny (his car) and then drove me to the high school where we saw Curious Savage which was HILARIOUS! I absolutely loved it and they did an awesome job. I was so proud I guessed that the money was in the teddy bear.
"I do not like thee Lily Belle, why I don't I cannot tell, but I can say very well, I don't like thee Lily Belle"
The Captain knew one of the actresses who was one of the greatest in the play. 
The Captain was so polite and always asked if he could open my door for me. On the way there we listened to Scripture Mastery and on the way back we listened to Frank Sinatra. I loved it.  
Afterward we went to Arctic Circle, but it was closed so we went to Cold Stone. And may I just say that his car smelled really nice. Sorry. Anyways I got chocolate with Raspberries and he got a Creme De Menthe shake. He tipped a dollar and the employees sang to us. Then we sat and talked while we ate our ice cream. 
He walked me up to the front door and gave me a hug. I thanked him and then it was over.  :) I also forgot to mention that I appreciated it that when I opened the door he immediately told me how beautiful he thought that I was. 

This was the only date that we went on. Although if you ask him, he took me on a bunch of dates after this. However for me if you don't ask me out on the date then it isn't a date. Even that date was pretty well established that we were just friends. I thought nothing of the fact that he asked me out or that we went out. I wasn't concerned that he was going to try to date me. It was just a fun date (which is how I wish that all dates ever would have been.) 

More love story here:
Part 1
Part 2 
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Tuesday, September 1, 2015


So after EFY was over I went back to my regular life, but with a whole bunch more friends. And, because this was in MSN's heyday (for those of you too young to know about MSN, it was instant messaging before Facebook and texting, well after texting, but before I had it), I was on MSN pretty much every day after school for a lot of hours. I talked to a lot of different people from EFY, but the Captain was one that I talked to a lot. 

I don't remember why I started calling him The Captain, but we emailed and messaged a lot and I did. He called me Commodore, which may not have seemed like a significant thing to him. It was significant for me. I had always wanted a nick name and I didn't really have any. I hated Rach and Rachy (never fear those of you who call me these things, the loathing has gone down), and had christened myself Rae in the 9th grade. Rae was the only nick name that anyone ever called me.

I remember thinking that I was amazed at how much he was willing to tell me back then. He would say things and then say how he didn't usually talk to people about those things. 

We had an EFY reunion and I remember thinking that he was one of the happiest people I had ever met. We watched a movie (I don't even remember which one it was, something Disney) and whenever he laughed the whole group would laugh because it was infectious. 

And then, a few months after we met one of my friends (who would later be my roommate in college) had a sister commit suicide. It was on or around November 7th that I came home from school, having learned this, and I got straight on my computer and waited until the Captain was on MSN. I immediately made him promise that he would never commit suicide. My friend's sister reminded me of the Captain and it struck me to my core that he might do the same thing.

But I still didn't want to be anything more than friends. 

These were pictures I took specifically for MSN so that I could show the difference between me with glasses and without.

More Love Story:
Part 1
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