anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Love Story Part 6: The First Kiss

After The Captain tried to kiss me things went back to normal for awhile. Sort of. Now I was wondering if I did like him. After all, he was my best friend. I could tell him anything. It was more normal for us to stay up until 3 AM talking than it was for us to run out of things to say. In fact, I can't ever remember that happening. There were times that we were quiet, but it never seemed to be because we didn't have more to say to each other. I can't tell you the number of times we tried to show each other a song and then we ended up talking through it.

So I considered, could I date The Captain? We'd known each other for so long. I was comfortable with him. And as much as I wanted to deny it, I wanted to kiss him.
I had a rule about kissing boys though. I would not kiss a boy that I would not date. If I kissed them, it meant that I was willing to date them, and only them. In fact, until a certain boy that was trying to date me before The Captain, I had only kissed my boyfriends. 

And so about a week after he tried to kiss me he told me that he liked me. We discussed it, I told him that I wasn't sure if I liked him or not (which was true. I have a notoriously bad habit of fighting myself on how I feel.).

The reason that we agreed that we could not date was mostly religious. He was my best friend, and I loved him as a person, but I did not think that I could date someone that wasn't strong in the church. He had decided to try a different lifestyle for a bit, one that didn't completely match the standards that I believed.  

My parents got divorced in large part because of a difference in lifestyles. A difference in beliefs. Though they were both raised LDS (my mom from an inactive mother and a catholic father and my dad was raised in a mostly consistently active home, although my Grandpa had some time trying out a different lifestyle of his own before coming back into full activity), my Dad decided to leave the church around the time that we moved when I was 9. And by the time I was 14 they were divorced.

I knew I couldn't date someone I couldn't marry. And because of The Captain's lifestyle and how he believed at the time. It terrified me. 

And amazingly The Captain wasn't offended when I talked to him about it. He completely understood. In fact, after we started hanging out, he later told me, he decided that he needed to find a girl like me, just one that wasn't so churchy. Someone that was on the same level as him that they could work together toward becoming who he wanted to be.
Because The Captain was coming back to church. 

If I had ever thought that he was doing it for me then I would never have dated him. But I knew that it was something that he wanted, that he was working on for himself. 

And so, in the middle of November, about a month and a few weeks after we'd started hanging out, I let him kiss me. 

And then as soon as I let him kiss me I started freaking out in my head. I couldn't date him! The same things that I was worried about before were the same things that were still a problem now! This was a mistake. A very large mistake. 

I didn't say anything about it, just yelled inside my head about what an idiot I was and what a jerk to let him kiss me when I knew that I couldn't date him. 

He drove me home that night and kissed me again on the doorstep (because I was still freaking out and didn't feel like I could turn away when I'd just let him kiss me a few minutes before). 

I don't think I even waited for him to text me that he made it home safe before I texted him and apologized for the huge mistake I had made. I told him that I was sorry, that I shouldn't have let him kiss me because I couldn't date him. 

And then I worried that I had just, in a moment of sheer stupidity, lost my best friend. 
And then he texted back. He was sorry too. It was ok. He understood. He couldn't date me either. 

And that is when I started running. 

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