anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Love Story Part 7: The Moments that Changed Everything

When I say that I started running. I don't mean literally. I mean figuratively. I do run in real life, but I am an ultramarathoner when it comes to running away emotionally. I had lost a lot of people in my life. A lot of best friends, and I knew that I could be just fine on my own. So even though The Captain was kind and understanding about my mistake. I was not kind and understanding to myself about it. I prepared to cut all ties. 

I'd taken him to the airport before Thanksgiving so that he could visit his family. And I didn't really miss him that much. I could do this. 

I picked him up from the airport after he came back a few days later, and I'm sure he could tell the shift in my mood toward him. I told him that I was going to have to spend more time at my house. My family was going on Vacation to Disneyland and we had planned to sew outfits to wear there. And I hadn't even started because of all the things I had going on in November.

It was the perfect excuse to let things kind of die a natural death. I'd have to spend less time with him, and then I'd be gone for over a week and then he'd just slide away.
Or so I thought. He ended up coming over every day to sit on my couch and occasionally rub my shoulders when they got tense from leaning over the sewing machine.

When we were 4 days from leaving and I was sending him home he said something to the effect of, "I might not see you again before you leave" and I said "Nope! Probably not."

And I really didn't care if I saw him again before I left.

And he still came over every day until we left. 

So we went on vacation, I hung out with him again when I came home. And in my mind I was still running. But he didn't give up on me.

There were two moments that shifted everything for me.

The first one was when I went to a New Year's eve party with the Captain. 
We drove there and he didn't open my door like he normally did. And after we were inside, he didn't try to hold my hand.
Which shouldn't have mattered, because we weren't dating. But for some reason, it mattered to me. It bothered me that he wasn't holding my hand.
So I reached for his and held it the rest of the night.

The second moment was a few days later.
It was January 2nd. It was a Friday night.
The Captain and I were up late talking again. 
We were talking about whether or not we should be a "We". We never came to any kind of real resolution. All I know is that something changed in my heart that night. I decided not to fight myself anymore. Whatever I was feeling was ok. If I liked him. If I loved him. That was ok. It wasn't going to ruin anything. It wasn't going to ruin me, and it wasn't going to ruin him.
It was OK.
And I let him kiss me again.
That kiss was nothing short of magical. 
it was really the first time I had been kissed where the kiss felt real. Where it felt like an expression of caring. 
And I honestly don't think that I had ever felt happier than I did in that moment. When I wasn't fighting myself or questioning whether it was ok to feel how I felt.

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