anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

The Real Jeremy Manhandsome

When I was about 16 (ironically not long after I'd met the Captain), my best friend (also someone I met at EFY) created Jeremy Manhandsome for me. I picked the Jeremy part and he picked the Manhandsome part, go figure. Anyway, I created this man in my head, he was the one that I was gong to marry. He was perfect. He accepted me and all of my stupidity but in a way that didn't make me feel stupid or inadequate, in a very hopeful way.
He would whisk me off on adventures.
He would sing me to sleep.
And he would love me better and more deeply than anyone else ever could.
Over the years, I wrote him letters and over the years I pictured him in different ways.
Sometimes he was blond, sometimes brunet, (You didn't know that the spelling of those was gender specific did you?), and sometimes he had blue eyes... Ok, I'll be honest, he ALWAYS had blue eyes. Sue me, I like blue eyes. Occasionally he looked like a real person, but never anyone that I knew. 
And when things were bad and I wasn't happy, I would write to this imaginary man.
Or, I would tell myself a story about him. About him coming to take me away when the rest of the world was letting me down. I would picture myself moving to California where I would learn to surf and I would have flocks of boys after me. But they would all know that I was holding out for someone, someone that wasn't them. And life would be perfect in my little sun soaked apartment by the sea. I would write and run and surf and be that girl in my head that I was always trying to be. Calm, poised, elegant, but willing to get dirty. Adventurous with an artistic eye. Fashionable but kind. Smart enough to at least keep my head above water when talking about complex subjects. And I would be going to school (who knows how I planned to pay for my little sun soaked apartment in my mind) to become a Marine Biologist. I would be pretty, but in a way that wasn't just about looks. 
And one day he would find me and we'd run off to live happily ever after, away from the cares that I had. The worries about everything and about pleasing all the people who didn't seem to care enough to please me.
These were my dreams. 
I remember once having a conversation with my little sister about our dream life. 
Mine was all about the house that I would live in. The person that I would be. What was in the rooms of my house and the places I would drag my kids off to in an effort to inspire them and show them the beauty of the world.
Hers was all about the man that would fall for her.
In my dreams, he was always a given. I didn't plan him because he was already there. Jeremy Manhandsome, who now looking back was a lot more about me, than it ever was about him. 
He was perfect.
And I measured every man that I met or dated against him.
And that really sucked for all the boys that I dated. Because Jeremy Manhandsome had a lot of things going for him, not the least of which was unlimited financials and the ability to climb in my window at any moment smelling amazing, offer me the perfect outfit (because Jeremy knew I loved fashion and he knew that I couldn't afford it), and take my away into the night. To go dancing at a midnight ball, or swim in the ocean to see the mermaids (I already said it wasn't fair, I forgot to mention that Jeremy Manhandsome also had magic), or a motorcycle ride across the salt flats. Whatever it took to get me away from my house. Away from my life and the imperfections in it. 
He always had the perfect thing to say and all I ever complained about was the fact that he was taking so long to find me. That I was still single. Still stuck. 
But it wouldn't matter on our adventures. He would save me. Over and over again. 
And I would let him, because as much as I wanted to be strong and independent, I was someone who desperately needed and desperately wanted to be saved.
I wanted the Happily Ever After.
I wanted all the magic.
I would have my house on the edge of the sea, filled up with children and music and art and a husband who adored me. We would worry about the silly things of life because everything else would be taken care of. We would have the ability to drag our kids off to Europe and we would do service and we would sing and have a beautiful life together.
And I kept this beautiful, if absurd, dream tucked in my heart. I didn't REALLY believe that it wouldn't happen. Because after all, everything else I had ever wished for had come to me eventually, I DESERVED this happily ever after. I deserved that life. I did.
I found him.
I found my Jeremy. His name is The Captain to you all. 
There is a lot of my happily ever after that may never come true (although I kind of think I might be able to make it happen), but Jeremy finally showed up in the flesh. 
He whisks me off on adventures.
He accepts me and my stupidity without making me feel inadequate.
He sings me to sleep.
And he loves me more deeply than anyone else ever has or ever could. 
And today is our wedding.
He saved me in all the important ways, and now I only hope that I can do something to save him. To be his perfect girl and take care of him the way that he takes care of me :)

Photo Credit: Erik Merrill Photography
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