anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Friday, October 13, 2017

The Trials List

Normally I try to think about all the good things that have happened in my life. I try to focus on the good instead of the things that I have had to overcome. However, the things that have made me who I am and put me where I am today have been the hard times. It has been the trials that have shaped my character. 

I was sitting in church, thinking about how I feel like I'm in a pretty good place right now. While there are still so many things that I want to accomplish and things I want to change about myself, I keep being hit with the feeling that I am where I need to be. I'm not perfect, but I'm so much closer to being the person I have always wanted to be than I have ever been before. It has been the small things and the big things, good and bad that have made me who I am, but I was overwhelmed sitting there and thinking about all the things that felt like they were the biggest problem in my life that I had actually overcome. I've had hard days, I've had hard years, but I've made it this far. I'm so grateful that I had those hard things. I needed them, even though I didn't know it. 

As I sit here I'm thinking about the time that I auditioned for Choir Concert. I was so sure that I wouldn't make it. I wasn't good enough. I fretted about it for days. Then I looked at the list and my name was on it. 

Or, the time that my best friend moved away in middle school leaving me with literally no one. Through that, I eventually found my group of friends, some of which I still have today. 

The time that my boyfriend broke up with me and I ended up watching him marry someone else, even though he'd told me that we just needed to take a break so he could get his life together. I spent the next year putting myself back together, but I got there. I finally started waking up happy again.

The time that I couldn't find a job and I had no idea how I was going to start paying back my student loans and I ended up getting the job I'm still at today. 

The time that I thought I had breast cancer, just when things started to work out again. Suddenly it wasn't about whether or not Brian would get a job, it was about whether or not I was going to live to be with him. Just when it seemed like everything was crashing down, we found out that I didn't have cancer. Brian got a job and less than two months later we found out we were pregnant.

Over and over again I've watched myself fall to pieces. I've seen the things I've worked so hard for shatter around me. It has broken me and rebuilt me into the person I am today. 

Brian and I have a saying that we like. We wouldn't choose it, but we wouldn't change it. So many of the things that I have gone through, from loss of best friends to the divorce of my parents to not making it into the colleges I thought I wanted to go to, I would not choose. I would not choose to suffer the way that I did. But, looking back, I would not change it. I needed all of those hard things for reasons unknown to me. Some of them are STILL unknown to me. I'm ok with that. I don't need to know why, but I am grateful for what they have done. 

Life isn't about focusing on the hard things, but it is about learning to let those hard things make you better and kinder and more the person you want and need to be, instead of letting them make you bitter and sharp. 

So I invite you to write down 10 things. 10 trials, big or small, that have made you who you are. Things that you have overcome to stand where you are today and let them remind you that you are strong. That even when bad things happen, which they always do, you can get through it. 

Click here to print your list

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