anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Poems of Motherhood | October-December



10/24/18

I may have already
nursed you
for the last time

It wasn’t pleasant
It wasn’t beautiful

it was quick
it ended with a bite

it left me ready to let go
Even while my heart
is still
clinging


10/24/18

Will motherhood always be this?
Loving you
Missing you
wondering if I will ever be enough for you.


11/20/18

You’re changing
a mile a minute
crawling
clicking your tongue
saying “dada”

it’s like everything
sped up
the same
until it was suddenly
Different

I can’t catch it all
not on paper
not in memories


11/24/18
you still rub my hair
in your eyes
like you’re trying to
wipe the tears
to leave your eyes
blank of bad memories
to fall into an easy dream
a safe dream
lightly scented
by sea salt
and peppermint


11/29/18

nursing you
has been a privilege
and a challenge

every time
I think I’m ready
to let go

I place you back at my breast
in  the quiet hush of your room
you squirm
arch your back
stay latched for a grand total of 3 minutes

but for 3 minutes
you are mine again
still my little one

my poppy

and
I don’t know how
I’ll ever let it go


12/2/18

today we watched the snow fall
out the doors of the basement
daddy sat on the floor behind you
while you stood
pressed your small hands to the glass
you tasted the window
while I talked about making ice cream out of fresh snow
(a nice idea,
but much too dirty to follow through on)
and the way I looked out my own back doors
when I was small
pressed so close that I could see straight up
into the falling sky


12/9/18

I had a strange feeling
when we left
unsettled
you were sleeping
I almost had your daddy turn around

but i kept the feeling
looked at it
wondered what it meant

would we make it home?

we made a code word
‘Pomegranate’
In case the feeling became
Dangerous
so daddy would know
We needed to leave

I let the feeling be
tried to listen to it
observe it
handle it, without changing it

but it settled
Mellowed
disappeared

Thanks for reading! :) I feel so lucky to be able to share things like this on here. Motherhood has been so wonderful and I honestly feel blessed to enjoy motherhood. It's interesting looking back on these poems to see what I was going through with Everly at the time. We were working so hard on nursing and it was honestly beautiful and horrible at the same time. By the time we were done, I was ready, and I'm glad to be in the stage that we are now. 






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Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Steps to Minimalism



If the Marie Kondo fad is any indication, I’m not the only one who is looking to become a little more minimal. I read Marie Kondo’s book last year just after I had Everly. I felt like I’d been surrounded by clutter the whole time we’d lived in our 500 square feet, one bedroom apartment and admittedly most of the clutter was mine. I’ve been dragging around boxes filled with notebooks for years and odds and ends of things that I couldn’t let go of. Having Everly made me want to start everything fresh. I wanted to be the kind of person that could pack everything I owned into a few boxes and move somewhere brand new or stick them into storage while I went off traveling if I wanted to (an idea that has been rolling around in my brain since I read a book in high school about a lawyer who did just that). I wanted to stop being the kind of person that was so attached to my things.

So, after my first quarter of goals related to Connection, my new goal for this coming quarter is to focus on Minimalism. I’ve already gotten rid of so many things, but I still have a lot of boxes that I know I don’t need. Although, going through my clothes has reduced me to maybe 5 shirts…

So here are my personal steps that I have taken, and plan to take, to get myself closer to minimalism.

  1. Capsule Wardrobes. I’ve been working on curating clothes that I love, that I can mix and match, and that aren’t so many pieces that I don’t use all of them. Weirdly, my mental obsession with capsule wardrobes came from my daughter’s wardrobe packaged into 3-month increments. Also weirdly, putting together outfits for her with colored pants has given me the confidence to try out something other than blue jeans. Watching these videos from Hailey Devine (this links to her Fall Capsule wardrobe video, but I'm sure it will automatically start playing the other ones after you're done) last year really made me want to take steps to make it happen for myself. However, I don't have an unlimited budget so it's been slow going for me.
  2. Quarterly Konmari of all my possessions. Even though I went through everything that I owned before we moved last July, I’ve already gotten rid of so many more things since moving here. I find that there are things that I may not be ready to get rid of now, but I am ready to get rid of in a couple of months.
  3. Digitizing all my papers. Papers are my real kryptonite. As a writer and a hand letterer, I just tend to have a million notebooks (also, I’m guilty of buying notebooks just because they are pretty when I have a dozen half-finished notebooks at home…). I find myself irrationally believing that I will re-read them someday, even when I know that I’ve never done that before.
  4. Only 5-7 “to do”s for the day. I know this may not sound like minimalism, but for me it is. I feel like when I expect myself to do less in the day it allows me to focus on accomplishing the things that really matter and be present in the rest of my day that has nothing to do with my to-do list.

If you are looking to get closer to minimalism, I highly recommend reading Marie Kondo’s book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. It really has changed my life.

If you have already taken steps toward minimalism, I’d love to hear what they are! Thanks for reading! :)

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Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Waiting Spaces





Recently I was reading an Instagram post by Sadie Banks. If you don’t know her or follow her, she often writes about infertility. In the specific post I read she mentioned waiting spaces and I went from feeling like I couldn’t really relate to her to knowing exactly what she meant. Waiting spaces are something that we can’t get around or really control. I remember when I was waiting to get married. I’d been in waiting spaces before, but it wasn’t until Brian and I had decided that we wanted to get married, but couldn’t get married, that I really understood the struggle of being in a waiting space. I often compared our inability to get married to being infertile. We’d only dated for about two months when we decided we wanted to get married, but we didn’t get engaged until 5 months later. I remember watching friends who met their significant other after Brian and I had already decided to get married get engaged before we did. Engaged and MARRIED before we got engaged. It was so painful for me to watch that. Specifically, I remember coming home from a bridal shower for a good friend while we still weren’t engaged and just crying. I thought that would be that last waiting space that I would ever have to struggle through because I thought that once we were married I would just be so grateful that we were finally together and sealed forever that it wouldn’t be so hard to wait for babies or for whatever else we might need to wait through.

I was wrong. We’ve been through some waiting spaces since we got married. Waiting to get jobs. Waiting for a house. Waiting for a baby. None of those waiting spaces have been as painful as waiting to get married, but the sting of them hasn’t been lessened by the fact that I had to struggle through a waiting space before. I am in a waiting space right now. We’ve been planning to buy a house for more than half a year now and planning to live in my Mom’s house for six months while we looked and paid off some debt. Well, six months have passed and we’re still here!

Waiting spaces are going to be in each of our lives. We have no control over when they might crop up or how long we’re going to be in them. We need to live through the waiting spaces, instead of just wishing and waiting for them to be over. Here are some things that help me through waiting spaces.

  1. Make goals that are unrelated to whatever you’re waiting for. Instead of saying, I’ll do this if I get what I want, or if I don’t get it by the time I wanted it, just do it. Waiting could mean days or weeks or months or years. Keep Moving Forward no matter what you are waiting for.
  2. Lean on your support system. Whether that be your friends, your family, your spouse, your significant other, or your God. I feel like the hardest part of waiting spaces for me have been when I withdraw into myself and don’t share what I was feeling. The secrecy of it always seems to make it worse.
  3. Serve others. I’m not saying that you should push down your feelings and just pretend that everything is ok so that you can serve others, but I often find that serving others helps me move through my feelings rather than sitting in them.

Keep moving forward. You’ve got this.

What has helped you get through waiting spaces?

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Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Why You Should Put Your Bucket List on a 10 Year Plan



It’s no secret that I’ve always thought that I was going to die young (although I really REALLY hope that I grow old), because of that I made a bucket list in college and put it on a 10 year plan. Honestly, none of us know how long we’ll be around. To quote Gandalf, “it is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” We may not know how long we are going to be around, but we can decide how we are going to live while we are here, whether that be 5 years, 50 years, or 5 days. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and wonder what I could have done with it if I hadn’t been waiting for something to happen so that I could really live.

Given that, I think it’s important to sit down and really decide what is important to us. For me, it’s important to me to become that best person that I can and to take the best care of those around me that I can. So while the bucket list I made in college had things like, “Read 1000 books” or “Go Skydiving”, my bucket list today looks a little different. Now it has things like, “Get Brian working from home”, “Buy our own home”, “travel with my family”. Not that those other things aren’t things that you should want to do, but they’re not where my head is these days. I made that list thinking I might not ever get married or have children, to me that was what was important for me to do if I didn’t have those other things that I wanted (although, get married and have children was on the bucket list as well).

Putting your bucket list on a 10 year plan ensures that you are always working toward the things on your list. It makes you be more proactive, rather that hoping for a “someday” when you can do the things that you want. Not only that, but if you cross everything (or, even most of the things off), you can make a new list and enjoy even more.

I think we all want to be the kind of people that DO and don’t just DREAM. So make a list. Dream as big as you can. Then work to make it happen.

What’s on your bucket list? How can you make it happen in the next 10 years?


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