anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Poems of Motherhood | October-December


I may have already
nursed you
for the last time

It wasn’t pleasant
It wasn’t beautiful

it was quick
it ended with a bite

it left me ready to let go
Even while my heart
is still


Will motherhood always be this?
Loving you
Missing you
wondering if I will ever be enough for you.


You’re changing
a mile a minute
clicking your tongue
saying “dada”

it’s like everything
sped up
the same
until it was suddenly

I can’t catch it all
not on paper
not in memories

you still rub my hair
in your eyes
like you’re trying to
wipe the tears
to leave your eyes
blank of bad memories
to fall into an easy dream
a safe dream
lightly scented
by sea salt
and peppermint


nursing you
has been a privilege
and a challenge

every time
I think I’m ready
to let go

I place you back at my breast
in  the quiet hush of your room
you squirm
arch your back
stay latched for a grand total of 3 minutes

but for 3 minutes
you are mine again
still my little one

my poppy

I don’t know how
I’ll ever let it go


today we watched the snow fall
out the doors of the basement
daddy sat on the floor behind you
while you stood
pressed your small hands to the glass
you tasted the window
while I talked about making ice cream out of fresh snow
(a nice idea,
but much too dirty to follow through on)
and the way I looked out my own back doors
when I was small
pressed so close that I could see straight up
into the falling sky


I had a strange feeling
when we left
you were sleeping
I almost had your daddy turn around

but i kept the feeling
looked at it
wondered what it meant

would we make it home?

we made a code word
In case the feeling became
so daddy would know
We needed to leave

I let the feeling be
tried to listen to it
observe it
handle it, without changing it

but it settled

Thanks for reading! :) I feel so lucky to be able to share things like this on here. Motherhood has been so wonderful and I honestly feel blessed to enjoy motherhood. It's interesting looking back on these poems to see what I was going through with Everly at the time. We were working so hard on nursing and it was honestly beautiful and horrible at the same time. By the time we were done, I was ready, and I'm glad to be in the stage that we are now. 

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