8/3/20
For Greyson
So begins the dance
To keep supply
It was the same with your sister
And I fought
To nurse her for 1 year
I thought it made me a better Mama
I will fight
For you
Too
In whatever way
Makes me
A better mama
8/5/20
For Everly
You tucked in all your babies
A unicorn
Your bear
The zebra
Laid white cloth wipes as blankets over each one
Then fell asleep
On the Lovesac
Alone
When I came in
Saw my sweet baby sleeping
Not in her bed
So her babies could have it
I wondered if you learned that from me
Wondered if I was a good or a bad thing if you did
Then I marveled at you
Sweet thing
My little one
Growing so fast
But you still look like my baby
When you sleep
8/9/20
For Greyson
You are always trying to get into my lap
Not crawling yet
But leaning
Pulling yourself in with your arms
Until I pick you up
Place you there
And
You try to crawl out.
8/11/20
For Everly
You play with your brother now
Ask for him when he’s sleeping
It was something that I hoped for
When you were small and he was growing inside me
This bond
That will pull you through times I can’t
So I watch you get his ball for him
Watch him stare at you like you raised the sun yourself
I know that this is the beginning.
8/12/20
For Everly
You picked a dandelion
Gone to seed
A globe of white fluff
You told me you picked “the sun”
And carried it around
“Holding sun”
You said
I love the way you
“Hold the sun”
And
“Touch clouds”
If I could bottle anything for you
It might be that feeling
That you could reach up and touch clouds
Or casually pick the sun out of the lawn because you thought it was beautiful
8/15/20
For Everly
I’ve started telling you stories
Just little bits
Scattered moments from my life
As we lay in your bed before I kiss you goodnight
After every story
You say
Again
I hope that someday you can tell me your stories
Trust me with those scattered moments from your life

For Greyson
You are moments away from crawling
Pulling yourself forward onto your belly
One leg always getting trapped
So that you are in half pigeon
I want you to crawl
To be able to get yourself where you want to crawl
But
You are only 7 months
8 in a few days
You are still my tiny one
I haven’t caught up to myself yet
Not since you were born
Yet you are racing forward anyway

8/17/20
For Greyson
8 months
Of hills and mountains
Of getting up in the night
Of juggling the needs of two babies
You are small
I feel like I can see your rolls shrink by the day
I wonder
Am I enough for you?
Will I ever be enough?
The monster that has come for me
Tells me
No
But I keep moving forward
I keep setting my face toward danger
My heart on victory
8/20/20
For Everly
You’ve learned the meaning of now
And now is when you want it
What you want
Can not wait
So when you ask
For paint
Or strawberry milk
Or for me to hold you
You add ‘now’
To the end
A demand
Not a request
It would be terrible for you
But I wish I could
Give it all to you
Now
I am just as impatient
To hold you
To play with you
To watch you smile and down 3 sippy cups of strawberry milk
It is hard
To say over and over all day
Just a minute
Hang on
mama’s coming
And I just have to feed Greyson first
Fold the laundry first
Make breakfast first
It kills me when I realize that I must add to the list
So that
Just have to feed Greyson
Becomes
Feed Greyson
And get a rag
And get him in his chair
You want it
Now
And I can’t say that I blame you
8/22/20
For Greyson
Today you took a face first dip in the bath tub
You were reaching for the plug
Slipped
I saw you go down
Your head almost going all the way under
And pulled you up
Sputtering and crying
I can still see you gasping now
How I wish I could hold you safe
To make sure nothing bad ever happened to you
But I know that it will
I know that when you went under
You were scared
But I was there
I was a little scared too
Even though it was only fractions of a second
8/25/20
For Everly
I leaned down
Peeking around the yellow wood of the cabinets
“I love you, Everly”
Without prompting
You came running over
And kissed me
It filled my Momma heart
Which is so often heavy these days
8/27/20
For Greyson
You cry like a little wildcat when you’re angry
Not so much screaming
As making it known that you are lonely
You will not be soothed by words
Reassurances that I will be there in a minute
That I’m coming
That I will hold you just after I do this one thing
My endless refrain
I don’t want you to have to be my little wildcat
I don’t want you to have to be anything
To get my attention
So I’ll keep coming when you cry
When you yell
When my words are not enough
Because you are loved my little middle child to be
Just as much as anyone else in this little family