The Fourth Trimester

I remember hearing about the “fourth trimester” in an ad for maternity leggings when I was pregnant with Everly. I feel like it’s something that is talked about a lot more now, but still isn’t talked about enough. 

With Everly, the 4th Trimester for me (the 3 months after giving birth) was nowhere near the horror stories that I had heard about after having a baby. Sure, I cried every day, but that was to be expected. And I wasn’t sad, so it didn’t really matter. I didn’t bleed as heavily or as long as I had been told I probably would. I was down 10 pounds past my prepregnancy weight without trying. I was honestly so blissful that I was already planning my next baby. I remember going out for a drive with my best friend during that time and telling her that I was so stupidly happy that I was kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, but also, that I was so stupidly happy that I couldn’t bring myself to care that it would probably drop eventually. 

That’s not to say it wasn’t hard, but it wasn’t as hard as I had thought it would be. I remember looking back after things had settled down and my hormones weren’t making me emotional all the time and thinking that it was a lot worse than I had thought it was during the time I was living it. 

I was not looking forward to the “4th trimester” with Greyson. I was looking forward to the newborn baby snuggles and that was about it. 

These past months have been some of the hardest of my whole life. I started my first weeks home with a lot of family around, which was so helpful for Everly. I really think it eased the transition for her to have so many people around that she loved and that she knew that loved her. 

For me, it was difficult. I was in a lot more pain from my episiotomy this time. Partially because they don’t hand out hard drugs like they used to for post-labor. Partially because I did not get any time to rest after Greyson was born. With Everly, I couldn’t really walk after labor due to a dislocated pelvis. I didn’t dislocate my pelvis this time so things got a lot more irritated as I walked around and tried to look after both of my babies. Added to the fact that I rarely had access to my own bathroom. All those nice things that they send home from the hospital, the tucks pads, the sprays, the gels, the peri bottle, even the pads… were generally on the other side of a locked door where people were showering. I went into my 6-week checkup more than a week past my 6-week mark and my doctor told me that my stitches weren’t fully healed. There was one point while I was waiting for my checkup that I was somewhat convinced that my stitches weren’t healing right and I asked for a blessing from Brian. 

This time I was in tears because I was sad. I was in pain. I was overwhelmed. I sent many texts to Brian at work telling him that I wasn’t sure I was cut out to be a mom of two babies. I was so tired from pumping and feeding Greyson through the night. I was tired of taking care of him and Everly. Especially since Everly had a particularly rough time adjusting to the new baby. There were many times when both of them were in tears and I joined them. I thought that adding another baby would increase my workload by maybe 30%. After all, I already had some systems in place! However, my workload more than doubled. Between diapers and taking care of them and attempting to take care of myself, there wasn’t a moment during the day that I didn’t have to be doing something. If I wasn’t, it was because I was putting it off, doubling my workload for later so that I could have a few minutes of rest now. 

Waiting for my appointment was particularly difficult. I knew that working out would help me mentally. At the time while I was waiting I was having a hard time working through my feelings about not being taken care of after Greyson was born. It was a very busy time, with Christmas and Brian’s sister was getting married. That was the focus, which I understood. The family was there mainly for that, it was just a happy accident that Greyson was also brand new at the time. But I couldn’t get over the fact that I hadn’t had access to my own bathroom after my body had gone through this big trauma of birth. I couldn’t let go of the fact that despite there being so many adults around the house I got a grand total of two naps during the weeks where we had so much extra help around. 

It was one of those things that I didn’t like when it was happening, but didn’t really bother me until it was all over and rolling around in my brain. 

When I finally did get the chance to work out I felt so much better about life. Even though I was having to fit it in after lunch, during Everly’s nap when Greyson also happened to be sleeping. That worked for about a week. It’s hard to fit it in every day. During my pregnancy, there was about a month that I was going to the gym 3 times a week at 5:30 in the morning. I feel like that would probably be the ideal time now, but at the moment I do not have the energy to get up at 5:30 when I’ve been getting up through the night with Greyson.

These three months have made me let go of all my routines. It has reminded me that you have to be flexible about things when you have babies and even more flexible when they are brand new. Greyson is still getting his routines down. He doesn’t have set times for his naps (Everly didn’t have set nap times until she was over a year old…). He doesn’t even have a set bedtime yet. He’s just now getting to a point where he’s starting to sleep around 12 hours with only getting up to nurse.

It has been hard because I have felt the full weight of needing to be everything for this little babe. He doesn’t like to take a bottle. I’m not even sure I’ll ever be able to use my freezer stash because he won’t drink it. It’s all on me. To be here, to feed him. I couldn’t hand over the job to anyone else if I wanted to. And I’ve wanted to. 

That being said, there have been so many things that have been good about this time around. 

I’ve been able to walk.

I’ve had at least one other person around to lend a hand most of the time. The times that I’ve been alone, I’ve known that I wasn’t going to have to do it for long.

I’ve been able to produce more milk this time around. To the point where I am not really concerned about supply. I’ve learned to trust my body and that it’s capable of making what my baby needs.

These three months have been a big beautiful watercolor picture, with the dark moments bleeding into the light ones. There haven’t been any days where I haven’t seen the light in the day. The moments where I feel so fulfilled that I know that this is the role that I want to fulfill for my whole life. They’re all mixed in. 

What was your experience post-labor? Thanks again for reading!

Poems of Motherhood | February 2020

As I went through this month's poems it was interesting to me to see the themes. Things that I didn't notice when I was writing them. Certainly, I knew that I was struggling a little bit with loving my postpartum body, but I didn't realize how many times it had cropped up. Looking at them all together I can see a great yearning to capture the little moments. Writing is like that for me. I write because I don't always quite see the forest through the trees. Looking back at what I've written I can see myself more clearly than the moment when I write it.

2/1/20

For Greyson

I was looking at my phone

Something I try not to do when you and Everly are awake

But I did

Then I looked down at you and you smiled

A big smile

Like you were just waiting for me to look at you

So I put my phone away

Remembered for the hundredth time that it all goes too fast

And soaked up those smiles

2/2/20

For Greyson

At night

When you’re all bundled up 

Hat on your head

Swaddled from the neck down

I try to make sure to touch your skin

To leave my hand on your cheek as I put you in your bassinet

To let you know that the skin you lived in 

is nearby

That you are safe

2/3/20

For Brian

I fell asleep to the silhouette of you

Swinging our baby in his bassinet so he would fall asleep

My heart swelled a little in me

Even as my breathing slowed into sleep

Because I knew that he was safe in your hands

That it was my husband standing there with him

For Greyson

I let you fall asleep in my arms

Watched you settle against me

It’s always a fight to get you down

Usually I make you fight it out on your own

But every once in a while

It’s nice to let you surrender in my arms

For Everly

Today daddy stayed home

Because of the snow

It piled in layers like sedimentary rocks against the screen in the window

You loved it

Chose him over me over and over again

And surprisingly I loved it

I love the bond that you two have forged

From nights up late together

From mornings spent eating oatmeal

It had me praying for more snow days than I ever wished for as a child

2/4/20

For Greyson 

You smiled at me today

In a way that seemed to say

That’s my Momma

It’s little things like that 

That tie you to me

That my arms are the ones that soothe you best

That my face is the one that makes you smile

That you know

Somehow

I am your Momma

2/7/20

For Everly

We said goodbye to Daddy today

Sent him on his first business trip since you’ve been born

He was supposed to go during your nap

I wish you could have seen the way he cried silently 

held onto me in the hallway just outside your door after we put you down

He loves you so much 

We both smiled though as we heard you through the door saying 

Monday 

Monday

Daddy comes home

2/9/20

For Brian

It has been long days without you

Not bad days

But long days

Watching Everly ask after you

To have to tell her “Monday”

Makes me dread anything that might make me have to say something more permanent

Honestly

I fear that almost as much as losing you

For Everly to lose her Daddy

For Greyson to never know what a great daddy you are

So stay with me

Be my partner through this life

I pray it all the time. 

2/10/20

For Greyson

We slept curled together last night. 

Your cold made you lonely

So I pulled you from your bassinet

Placed your head in the crook of my shoulder

And laid awake for awhile

While you slept

Knowing that you felt safe with me there

It’s not the first time

But it still means so much to me

That this skinny little body

Whom I’ve had my share of complaints with

Is home for you

2/11/20

For Everly

Every little thing 

The way you jump with only one foot leaving the ground

The way you say orange juice “Oran goose”

The way you answer every clarifying question with “ok” giving yourself permission when we’re just trying to understand you

Your love of pudding and fruit snacks

The way you can talk to yourself for hours in your crib

The way you hold your arms out for your bear

The way that bright things make you duck your head

All of it

Magic. 

2/12/20

For Greyson

Today you raged against the dying of the light

I couldn’t say that I really minded it

Though my back did

But to hold you

My tiny bundle

And rest my cheek against you cheek

Let my heartbeat against your chest to lull you to sleep

You didn’t sleep

But it was still sweet

Something to remember 

For Brian

Today my heart beat and sank in my chest

It fought against the pull down to my stomach

It felt like each beat weighted it with fear

Tonight you pulled me into your lap for couples prayer 

Whispered so softly that I couldn’t quite hear all the words

But it made me feel safe

To be curled in your lap

To hear you praying for us

2/14/20

For Greyson

Your first Valentines

All these firsts that you’ll never remember 

It’s weird how this part of your life

Is more for me than for you

I’ll remember

Your first smiles

You under the tree in a Moses basket

You falling asleep on my legs while Daddy and I watched a movie tonight

I’ll remember your firsts

When you are remembering my lasts

2/15/20

For Brian

This postpartum time has been especially sweet

Watching you with both our babies

Feeling the way that you love me

It’s like we’re new all over again

I love falling 

Tumbling 

Head over heels

Again and again

With you 

2/16/20

For Greyson 

Today I held you

Looked down at you asleep in my arms

Felt so much for you that I felt the tears start to well up

I almost cried then and there

In front of your Ama and Grandpa

Your Auntie and her friend

It was the moment I had been waiting for 

To say that I hadn’t loved you before would be a lie

To say I hadn’t felt attached to you before would be a lie

But this was a bond moment

One that tied me to you by millions of strings we’ll never see

To you it was just another moment

But to me it was everything 

For Everly

You looked lost 

As I said goodbye to you in nursery

I almost didn’t walk out the door

My mind was all wrapped up in attachment styles

Wondering if me leaving you there was causing some wound you’ll be talking about in therapy someday

I have a feeling I’ll remember that look for a long time

The way your lips were slightly parted

The way your eyes weren’t quite focused on anything

The way your hands were slightly raised and open,

Waiting for something

I left anyway

Even though my heart said ‘no’

2/17/20

For Brian

Both our babies were sleeping

So we went to our bed

Laid on top of the covers and held each other for a few minutes 

I used to come cuddle you every morning

After I woke up

Before work

There’s no time for luxuries like that now

I wake up with Greyson in my arms

And Everly singing in the next room

So it was special

Those moments together

2/19/20

For Greyson

I held you up against my shoulder

Tried to inhale the newborn scent of you

The one everyone is always talking about

Instead I felt the brush of your hair against my cheek

Felt the curl of your hand around my poppy necklace

I can’t smell it

I can’t smell the newness of you 

And part of me breaks at the thought that I’ll never know what that means

To smell the top of my baby’s head and know that this scent is unique to this short time of life

Part of me is glad that I won’t miss it once it’s gone. 

2/20/20

For Everly

This morning you said your new signature phrase

Daddy Work

Daddy goes to work

And you sing for him all day long

Daddy is at work

Today when he picked you up for prayers

You added to your phrase

Work, too?

And it just about broke both daddy and I

To send him away

And keep you here

When you wanted to go

2/21/20

For me

Today I looked down and thought my body ruined

There are more marks this time

More lasting changes it seems

Peace with my body is a treaty I have to remake every day

When shots are fired 

we start over 

again 

2/22/20

For Brian

Today I felt run ragged

Between the diapers

And the spilled milk and cereal

And the children

We watched too much TV 

I spent too long on Instagram 

I wrung myself out over and over and over

Then you came home

I took a bath

Breathed breaths that weren’t centered around the needs of anyone else

You happily let me have that time

I needed it more than I knew. 

2/24/20

For Greyson

I held you while you slept

Every now and then you would wake

Eyes still closed tight

Your bottom lip would push out

The corners of your mouth turn down

Like your heart was fit to break

I told you that you were safe

That I was there

Your Mama

It didn’t seem to help

But I held you anyway

Sometimes motherhood is so helpless

I don’t know what made you look so sad

But I will always be right here behind you

Beside you

2/29/20

For Everly

I got you up from your nap

Held you bundled in my arms

Your small arms wrapped around “bear” and “banket”

I stroked your cheek

You just stayed there

In my arms

Leaning into the strokes while we waited for you to warm up enough from your nap to interact with Grandma who had come to visit 

I could have stayed there all day

Holding you while you’re still small

That’s the hardest about 2

The never getting the endless moments anymore

They have to end now

And it makes me sad


Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear if you are in motherhood, what your season is looking like. Or, if not, what life looks like for you right now.

Monthly Moments | February 2020

We're two months into our new normal of having two kids. Honestly, that first month was ROUGH. Everly had a hard time with the adjustment and we all got sick. It was just hard. I was so grateful for all the help that I had. The times that Brian was able to be there to help. The times that my family helped me by taking one of the kids so that I could help the other. Honestly, I am beyond anxious to get into our own place most days, but the support that we have here is something that I will really miss once we finally get there.

We still have rough times here and there, but it's more like a rough couple of minutes, sometimes a rough ten minutes, but rarely is it a rough morning, or a rough day.

We started out the month with Everly's birthday celebrations. I remember seeing a couple years ago now that one of the bloggers I follow takes her kids out to eat for their birthday. I loved the idea of that. In my house growing up we got a special dinner for our birthday every year, but I am not super great at cooking at the moment and I loved the idea of making an outing of it. This was the first "meal" that we have ever bought Everly out. Honestly, she barely ate the Mac and cheese, ate her applesauce (which we usually carry with us anyway but it came with her meal) and loved her chocolate milk. Mostly she was interested in the fries that Brian brought from Chik-fil-a (a girl after my own heart.)

These three have my whole heart and I love our new family dynamic. Even though it takes a lot more work to get out the door. In fact, it takes a lot more work to just get through every day, but Everly loves Greyson. We love her. And Greyson is just adorable and another great baby (I was very scared that I was going to get a really colicky baby this time around.)

Brian went on his first work trip since we've had babies and I must say that I didn't love it. He's gone on trips with his friends without me before while I stayed home with Everly, but two kids was much more challenging. Especially when it hit bedtime and I was trying to get Everly ready and Greyson needed to nurse or be put down as well. Mostly only accomplished this through family help. Again, to all the single mamas out there (even if it's just for the night or the weekend), I don't know how you do it. 

I totally want to be that mom that just sends her husband off on trips and feels totally capable and prepared to handle everything at home while they're gone, but I am not there yet!

Most days were spent like this. Unshowered. In a robe and pajamas.

Everly has officially watched more TV since Greyson has been born than she has in her entire life combined. Before Greyson was born we were pretty much screen-free. Except when we were sick. After Greyson was born we have been sick a lot and Everly knows how to ask for what shows she wants now. She's learned the phrase "maybe later" and says it when I tell her "Not right now". Currently working on cutting her TV time back down to an hour or less a day. It's hard when I know that if I put her in front of the TV I can get things done, but it's just not the kind of mom I want to be. Hopefully, we'll be back to sick days only for longer screen time and only an hour otherwise soon.

Little man is growing so fast. You can see in this picture that he really doesn't have long left in the bassinet. Seriously unsure of what we're going to do once he outgrows it. We have a pack and play but I hate bending so far down to put him in it. 

Books I've loved this month:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling

The Secret Garden by Frances Hodges Burnett

Podcasts I've loved this month:

#142- Living Without Food Rules  | The Lazy Genius

Tips for Sustainable Living w/Whitney Morris  | What We Said Podcast

E41- Changing the Narrative Around Pornography with Dr. Cameron Staley | Mormon Marriages

Navigating Miscarriage- Our Pregnancy Loss Story | SHE with Jordan Lee Dooley

Things that stuck with me from these podcasts/books:

-Your body is smart. It knows what it needs. Trust your body.

-Pornography addiction is often an emotional issue rather than a sexual one.

-Miscarriage looks so different for each person that experiences it. I haven't had any miscarriages, but my mother has. Those close to me have. I loved listening to this because it helped me understand and empathize with them more. It's an experience that I hope I never go through, but if I do, I would want to know as much as I can from other peoples' stories to help me get through it.

Overall, February was a great month. Valentines was good. I'm figuring things out a little better each day. I'm not looking forward to March because it's time to go see the dentist again and that is an exercise in torture for me. Fingers crossed I only have a cleaning to dread this time instead of several follow up appointments for cavities. 

Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear what you're reading and listening to or anything else you'd like to share!