Monthly Moments | June 2020

June was honestly a really hard month for me. Everything got REALLY heavy. Between all that has been happening in the world and all the regular pressures of motherhood, I was kind of depressed most of the month. There were so many good things, but my heart felt very heavy. Always feeling like I wasn't doing enough in every area of my life. I forgot to take care of myself. Brian graciously offered to let me take an hour every night to recharge and do whatever made me feel better, but for the month of June, I stopped taking it for the most part. I felt like there was too much to do and consequently, my emotional health suffered. If June taught me anything, it's that I need to make taking care of me as much of a priority as taking care of everyone and everything else. 

 

For Brian's 30th birthday we went up to Little Dell Reservoir. It has been our place since we started dating. I love that now we can take Everly and Greyson and enjoy it as a family.

We had crazy rain and it started coming in through the top of the window.

My baby turned 6 months old. I can't believe that it has already been more than half a year since we brought him home. He still isn't sleeping great, but I've made it a whole half a year without sleeping through the night, so what's a little while longer?

We went back up to Little Dell with some friends of Brian's. Everly didn't find her way out of her shell until we found this little waterfall with a tiny pool that she could throw rocks into. 

Everly asked me to put her blanket on her like a dress. So we made it happen.

I don't know that I've seen a cuter picture in my life 😍

I didn't try as many recipes this last month. Partially because I forgot to find new recipes. I did remake many of the recipes that I tried in May though. One of the things I love about trying new recipes is that it's a really good creative outlet for me. I don't have as much time to sit down and blog or hand-letter or write, but we need to eat. We're always going to need to eat. So trying new recipes helps fulfill that part of me.

1. Cranberry Avocado Spinach Salad with Orange Poppyseed Dressing 💛💛💛💛

 I liked that this recipe was more assembly than anything else. I wasn't honestly feeling the avocado so much and I would use less oil and more orange juice next time, but overall pretty good!

2. Homemade Vanilla 💛💛💛💛💛 (?) 

Pretty sure these will turn out great, but we'll see when its been a couple of months. We've made our own vanilla once before but we didn't use enough beans so it was really weak. Also, this time we used rum instead of vodka, so we'll see how that turns out!

3. Drink of the Gods (AKA Strawberry Cashew Milk) 💛💛💛💛

 Not sure how well that link will work since it links to an Instagram highlight, but if you're interested, and the link doesn't work, just go to @rosiecard on Instagram and click on the highlight called "Drink of the Gods". I made this a couple times. The first time I did not love it. I used way too much cloves and expected it to taste just like Strawberry milk. It does not. If you don't expect it to taste like strawberry milk (or are more familiar with nut milks than I am) then it's really good! Especially when I made it the second time and left the cloves and ginger out entirely. Play around with it. 

4. Vanilla Caramel Swirl Ice Cream Sandwiches 💛💛💛💛💛 

I made these for Brian's birthday and loved them. Honestly, I loved all the components separately more than together, but they were pretty good all assembled as well! It's really 3 recipes: Homemade Ice cream, Homemade Caramel Homemade cookies. I made the cookies gluten-free by switching out the flour for Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free flour. 

5. Banana Puree, Avacado Puree, and Blueberry Puree. 💛💛💛💛💛 

Yup. I dove into making my own baby food this month as well. So far the Blueberry is my favorite (for looks, but also Greyson practically attacks the spoon). It honestly makes me feel like a really good mom to make my own baby food. I wanted to do it with Everly but was way too intimidated. All the recipes come from The Super Easy Baby Food Cookbook by Anjali Shah

Granted, so far the recipes basically tell you how much fruit or vegetables to puree and how much water to add, but I loved the intro and it dives into more complex purees and how to pair them together and such, along with good spices or herbs to add with them. 

Books I've loved this month:

The Host by Stephenie Meyer

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Insignificant Events in the Life of a Cactus by Dusti Bowling

Every single one of these books is unfinished 😂. My loan expired with Little Women, and the other two I'm just kind of halfway or partway through.

Podcasts I've loved this month:

READING YOUR SECRET CONFESSIONS! | What We Said Podcast

The Nicest Thing Anyone Has Ever Done For Me | What We Said Podcast

We Are Held Together by Sunlight | Dear Hank & John

Takeaways from Books/Podcasts:

-There is still good in this world

-There is still good in this world

-There is still good in this world

Thanks for reading! Tomorrow starts my one-month countdown to turning 30! If you have any suggestions on how I should celebrate send them my way!

Poems of Motherhood | May 2020

5/1/20

For Everly

Today you cried

You wanted me to hold you 

And I tried

But Greyson was crying

He wanted me to hold him too 

It’s hard

Being torn this way

I'm tied so tightly to both of you 

5/2/20

For Everly 

Come, little one,

Let me paint you a picture

Of your Parents in Heaven

When I see your Heavenly Father

In my mind

He has kind eyes

Blue, the kind that blaze

In a good way

He has a smile that is gentle

Big hands and a big lap

He is strong

You can tell he carries a weight

in the same way that bodybuilders lift dumbbells

You can only read it in the way he carries himself

The tone of his voice and the strain of his heart

When I see your Heavenly Mother

her eyes are tender

her hands reaching

she is leaning toward you

whispering words you can't hear

of how she loves you

is watching over you

always

I know how I love you

is a fraction of how they love you

it's bigger than oceans

than the whole universe

always expanding

the way they say that space is

5/4/20

For Greyson

You’re impatient now

It’s like you read into the moments when you’re left alone

Think that they mean we are gone forever 

You want to be held

You want to be the center of attention

I want to give that to you

You deserve that

Every baby does

But unfortunately 

I am not just your mama

And it kills me

Because I love you just as much

As your sister

As much as my first

5/5/20

For Everly 

It was a roller coaster today

You rode the highs with jumping and skipping and “buh bums”

You swung through the lows with tears and holding tight to my legs

We played the kissing game in the morning

Where you kiss me and then go to the empty entertainment center and climb in

Then come back to me for another kiss

But at bedtime, you didn’t want any kisses at all

5/7/20

For Greyson

I gave up a sneeze for you

My dear boy

I felt it building

But you had just fallen asleep

After nearly 30 minutes of rocking

And nursing 

So I held it in

Let it die out

This means nothing to you now

But someday you will know the price of a sneeze

I gave up a sneeze for you

And you woke up anyway

5/10/20

For my babies

Today is Mother’s Day

A day that I’ve waited my whole life to mean something

As much as I have been a mother 

It has always seemed a title that is beyond me

Even with two pregnancies 

Two babies

I still feel like a rookie

Still waiting for the moment when I am finally 

Mama

But you are still mine

Whether or not I feel like a mom

I am your mother

So different than what I imagined 

I had thought

A new me

And I am

So new

Still raw and pink-skinned 

in so many ways

But still so…

Me

I imagine that I will always be there at the end of the day

No matter how many other parts of me are chipped off or added in

5/11/20

For Everly

Yesterday you laid in bed with me

Pretended to be sleeping

You with your bear

Me with mine 

Today I laid in bed with you

To make you feel loved

Safe

So that you would take your nap

Instead of crying

So often lately

I find myself comforting you

Holding your small body that is bigger each day

Someday you’ll be too big for my arms

Someday you’ll make me go 

And I will

If that’s what you want

But for now

I’m a safe place

5/13/20

For Everly

Today was hard

Sad

For both of us

It started and ended in tears

Days like this

Make you feel like they will never end

That nothing will pull you out of this sadness

Then

Just like magic

You turn a corner

You sit in my lap

Say “knife” instead of crying

Point out the “robins” in the yard

Suddenly the world is sunny again

I have to tell myself

Not to fear the clouds

Not to change the way I parent you

Just to avoid

Tears

In the morning

And at night. 

5/16/20

For Greyson

The morning starts slipping into your room around 4 AM

It starts with the birds singing 

The sound coming through the panes of glass before the sun has even thought of waking

Then 

Bit by bit

The shadows fade from black to grey to blue

My favorite blue

Warm and brighter somehow that a sunny day

There’s promise in that color blue

5/21/20

For Another Baby

I felt my heart looking for you again

Your sister was on the couch

Your brother was in my lap

Again

My head turned toward the bedrooms

Wondering where you were 

I don’t know what it means

That I am looking for you already 

But I am

Even when I tell my heart to hold steady on the babes in my arms

It goes looking

For you

5/26/20

For Greyson

I took you into the quiet of the trees

Lately, I’ve noticed

The noise gets to me

The constant of vacuums or music or even the crashing of waves

It makes me panic

Makes me feel like I’m drowning in it

So while sister and daddy threw rocks

We ventured into the woods

We walked over boulders

Through dry stream beds

By wildflowers

We walked without worrying too much about the path we were taking

Not going too far so we could find our way back

We walked until we found the rushing of the river

I smiled

Knowing this was a "me and you" kind of moment

One you won’t remember

Then we turned back

found ourselves lost

I could hear the road

But I could not see it

We walked along random trails

Climbed boulders we hadn’t seen before

Until your head fell heavy against my chest 

I spoke to you

Telling you it would be alright

Until I climbed up to the road

It wasn’t until then

That you fell asleep to the sound of my pounding heartbeat

I wonder now

If the cadence of my heartbeat kept you awake

Held open your tired eyes so that you could be there with me

Wandering trails

So that I wouldn’t wander alone

I wonder if it slowed as I walked down the road

The sun in my eyes

Let you know that I knew

That we were safe

Even though I’d said it all along

For Everly

You’ve been having a hard time with naps

And bedtime

You need someone

Daddy or me

To lay with you

Let you wind down from to moment

But yesterday,

Was particularly rough

Your soul

Would not

Be comforted

Finally,

I got you in bed 

Laid down beside you

After a few minutes, I tried to leave

3 times I tried

Until I asked, 

“Do you just need your momma today?”

“Yeah,” you said

In the voice that says “I was just crying”

So I laid with you

Watched your eyes flutter closed

Knowing that you hadn’t fallen asleep in my arms in ages

I could have stayed there with you

Would have

Knowing the way I always felt

Waking up alone

But I had to go

Greyson would need me soon

5/30/20

For Greyson

Motherhood is a practice in the art of letting go

Yesterday you put your binky back in your mouth

Went back to sleep at 5 AM

And I was grateful

For the extra hour

Then again this morning

Then again tonight

And suddenly I felt myself missing you

We have been working on less rocking

Counting the minutes 

Then cutting them down

In hopes that you would sleep

Without me

Some part of me didn’t think it would work

Some part of me didn’t want it to

Even while the other part of me was desperate to get those minutes back

Now I need you

When you don’t need me

For Everly

The other morning

Before you were even awake

I read a post about a little girl 

Almost your age

how she shut her eyes for the last time

Left a legacy at just 3 years old 

All-day long I struggled to look at you

To see my healthy little girl 

Who hopefully has many days and weeks and years ahead of her

And not see the little girl who had no more days 

It broke me

To think of losing you

Breaks me still

Thanks for reading! I hope you all had a great May!