Poems of Motherhood | August 2020

 8/3/20

For Greyson

So begins the dance

To keep supply

It was the same with your sister

And I fought

To nurse her for 1 year

I thought it made me a better Mama

I will fight

For you

Too

In whatever way

Makes me

A better mama

8/5/20

For Everly 

You tucked in all your babies

A unicorn

Your bear

The zebra

Laid white cloth wipes as blankets over each one

Then fell asleep

On the Lovesac

Alone

When I came in

Saw my sweet baby sleeping 

Not in her bed

So her babies could have it

I wondered if you learned that from me

Wondered if I was a good or a bad thing if you did

Then I marveled at you

Sweet thing

My little one

Growing so fast

But you still look like my baby

When you sleep

8/9/20

For Greyson 

You are always trying to get into my lap

Not crawling yet

But leaning

Pulling yourself in with your arms

Until I pick you up

Place you there

And

You try to crawl out. 

8/11/20

For Everly

You play with your brother now

Ask for him when he’s sleeping

It was something that I hoped for

When you were small and he was growing inside me

This bond

That will pull you through times I can’t 

So I watch you get his ball for him

Watch him stare at you like you raised the sun yourself

I know that this is the beginning. 

8/12/20

For Everly 

You picked a dandelion 

Gone to seed

A globe of white fluff

You told me you picked “the sun”

And carried it around

“Holding sun”

You said

I love the way you

“Hold the sun”

And 

“Touch clouds”

If I could bottle anything for you

It might be that feeling

That you could reach up and touch clouds

Or casually pick the sun out of the lawn because you thought it was beautiful

8/15/20

For Everly 

I’ve started telling you stories

Just little bits

Scattered moments from my life

As we lay in your bed before I kiss you goodnight 

After every story

You say 

Again

I hope that someday you can tell me your stories

Trust me with those scattered moments from your life

For Greyson

You are moments away from crawling 

Pulling yourself forward onto your belly

One leg always getting trapped

So that you are in half pigeon

I want you to crawl

To be able to get yourself where you want to crawl

But

You are only 7 months

8 in a few days

You are still my tiny one

I haven’t caught up to myself yet

Not since you were born

Yet you are racing forward anyway

8/17/20

For Greyson 

8 months

Of hills and mountains 

Of getting up in the night 

Of juggling the needs of two babies

You are small

I feel like I can see your rolls shrink by the day

I wonder

Am I enough for you?

Will I ever be enough?

The monster that has come for me

Tells me

No

But I keep moving forward

I keep setting my face toward danger

My heart on victory

8/20/20

For Everly 

You’ve learned the meaning of now

And now is when you want it

What you want 

Can not wait

So when you ask

For paint

Or strawberry milk

Or for me to hold you

You add ‘now’

To the end

A demand

Not a request 

It would be terrible for you

But I wish I could 

Give it all to you

Now

I am just as impatient 

To hold you

To play with you

To watch you smile and down 3 sippy cups of strawberry milk

It is hard

To say over and over all day

Just a minute

Hang on

mama’s coming

And I just have to feed Greyson first

Fold the laundry first

Make breakfast first

It kills me when I realize that I must add to the list

So that

Just have to feed Greyson

Becomes 

Feed Greyson

And get a rag

And get him in his chair

You want it

Now

And I can’t say that I blame you

8/22/20

For Greyson

Today you took a face first dip in the bath tub

You were reaching for the plug

Slipped

I saw you go down

Your head almost going all the way under

And pulled you up

Sputtering and crying

I can still see you gasping now

How I wish I could hold you safe

To make sure nothing bad ever happened to you

But I know that it will

I know that when you went under

You were scared

But I was there

I was a little scared too

Even though it was only fractions of a second

8/25/20

For Everly 

I leaned down

Peeking around the yellow wood of the cabinets

“I love you, Everly”

Without prompting

You came running over 

And kissed me

It filled my Momma heart 

Which is so often heavy these days

8/27/20

For Greyson 

You cry like a little wildcat when you’re angry

Not so much screaming 

As making it known that you are lonely

You will not be soothed by words

Reassurances that I will be there in a minute 

That I’m coming

That I will hold you just after I do this one thing

My endless refrain

I don’t want you to have to be my little wildcat

I don’t want you to have to be anything

To get my attention 

So I’ll keep coming when you cry

When you yell

When my words are not enough 

Because you are loved my little middle child to be

Just as much as anyone else in this little family 

Thanks for reading! Sorry about the wonky photos... ever since Blogger updated it's really lame with uploading photos. 

Monthly Moments | September 2020

 

This salad has been my favorite food this month. In fact, I didn't try any new recipes this month, but this salad is a hodgepodge of a couple other recipes I have tried in the last few months and loved.

-Handful+ of mixed baby greens

-Sliced deli-meat (turkey in this case) chopped

-Feta Cheese

-Pickled Red Onions

-Poppyseed dressing

Greyson got mobile this last month and has been crawling around like crazy and pulling himself up on things. I don't really want him to start walking soon, but I won't be surprised if he ends up walking within the next month.

This. This was a good day. Living with my mom and step-dad for the past couple of years has been hard in a lot of ways. Partially because I just want my own space. I miss what it was like when Bstoll and I were out on our own. And, it is really hard to parent in front of your parents. Like really hard.

But this day we hung out upstairs and Everly made cookies with her Amma and Grandpa and we all sat around the table eating them warm out of the oven. I fed little bits of them to Greyson. It was just a really lovely visit and made me feel so grateful that Everly gets the chance to have this relationship with her grandparents.

I bought this sweater from the Little Mama Shirt Shop and have been wearing it every chance I can get. I've been hoarding my allowance for almost a year to save up and buy a new bag (I'm very much a bag girl. There are 4 on my list currently. All are over $100.) and took a break to buy this sweater. I'm actually wearing it right now 😂

Anyway, this was a good walk to the park. I've been trying to implement walks back into our daily schedule. This month it was mainly to get my 10 15-minute workouts to get my monthly challenge on my watch, but it has been nice to get out. I used to go on walks every day with Everly when we lived in the apartments. Then I took a hiatus after we moved here, then took it back up when she was just over a year old and took her out almost every day until Greyson was born. It takes more work to get 2 babies out the door, but it's still worth it. 

Everly AND Greyson caught colds. It was my first experience with having both the babies sick. I was not a fan. But I did love how snuggly it made Greyson. He hasn't slept on me in a long time, but he did quite a bit with this cold. I was really lucky that Brian got to stay home with me a few of the days they were sick because I definitely needed the help.

These were both from my Mom's birthday party. I took more videos than pictures this last month, so what you don't see is Everly throwing sticks in the fire, or, earlier in the month, opening her door during nap time.

This was also a lovely day. Family parties tend to leave me feeling left out and stressed and sad that I missed the normal time I would have to spend with my family. But this time, I got food with everyone else and didn't spend the whole time taking care of babies. Plus, this firepit was amazing and smokeless (unless you stick a pipe in it) so I didn't even end up smelling like smoke! And we ended the night with homemade raspberry ice cream. As Everly would say, "A GOOD DAY!"

My little crawling machine 😍

Books I've Read this Month:

The List of Things That Will Not Change   By Rebecca Stead

Spinning Silver   By Naomi Novik

Again, But Better   By Christine Riccio

Podcasts I've Loved this Month:

Hello, Mr. & Mr. Green | Dear Hank & John

#174- Try a Meal Formula this Fall | The Lazy Genuis

15.37: Writing Under Deadlines | Writing Excuses

15.38: Depicting Religions That Are Not Your Own | Writing Excuses

The I Am Podcast: Welcome! | The I Am Podcast with Ashley LeMieux

What I've taken from these Books and Podcasts:

- I want to be Rebecca Stead when I grow up. Seriously, every time, her books are amazing guys. The one I read is her most recent. Read it. Buy it in Hardback. I did.

- Meal Formulas will save your life. I really love the idea of having a Fall Meal Formula and a Winter one and a Spring one and a Summer one. I just really love the idea of seasonal living. Fun things to celebrate each season. Activities, food, clothing. I love the change of it. 

- I need to start holding myself to deadlines with my writing. This episode of Writing Excuses really got me thinking about my writing career. It's something I've started to take a lot more seriously lately. Partially because I have been doing more writing lately, and also for my mental health. Writing is in me. I need to be doing it. I would love to be published and I don't want to keep waiting for the timing to be right. It will never be right. So I'm working on making it happen now. With 2 tiny babies. Wish me luck!

Thanks as always for reading! This last month was really dark and then suddenly the light seems to be shining just a little bit brighter now. I'm hoping that keeps up. The next few weeks should see two more Poems of Motherhood posts! So keep your eye out for those :) I hope you had a great September. I'm looking forward to October and to General Conference this weekend!

Poems of Motherhood | July 2020

 

7/1/20

For Everly

Your tiny hands

With those delicate fingers

You have always been able to pick up the smallest things

Pressing thumb and forefinger together

Before anything else

You could bring those together

Now you use them to pick up crumbs

To “make string”

To find the tiniest hair that has drifted down to land on you

What will those precise fingers do in the future?

What have my hands taught you to do?

7/7/20

For Greyson

We’re in the cry it out phase

So I put you down

Walk away before your eyes have closed

Most of the time 

It’s fine

But 

Sometimes you cry so long that I come back in

Lean over you

Wrap my hands around your tiny head

Lean my head close so that my hair comes down like curtains around us

I smile and hope that you are inhaling the scent of me

Feeling those fingertips that you would wrap your hands around as you fell asleep

Some part of me hopes that these tiny moments let you know that you are safe

That they carry you through the moments when I’m not coming through the door

I’m hoping that the angels around you

Really do stand guard

Just like I pray that they will do every night in your nightly prayers

I can see them standing around you now

A few faced out to stand watch

While the others lean down around you

Waft the scent of my hair toward you

Just like I still sometimes catch whiffs of your great grandpa’s cologne

My heart is there with you

All night sweet boy

Just like it would be if you were sleeping beside me

Head curled into my chest. 

7/12/20

For Everly

You wore a cornflower blue polka dot dress today

One that was mine when I was small

I couldn’t get over the way you spun around in it, just for fun

Or the curl of your hair over the white lace and buttons

I could tell that you felt beautiful in that dress

The kind of beautiful that has almost nothing to do with how you actually look

Maybe someday you will pass that dress down

Watch your own babies spinning in that vintage magic

7/14/20

For Everly

You trailed after your grandpa today

Willing to put on shoes and completely abandon the kiddie pool to follow him over to the side of the house where he was gathering branches and sticks from the trimmed honeysuckle bushes

Today he was your best friend

You followed him into the garage and got into tool boxes that he didn’t want you to

I watched this little relationship blossom from a distance 

Knowing that you felt none of my complicated emotions about this man

To me, he had always been a step out of sync, a little too late to the game to feel like family

But, just like my own grandparents 

To you he is just grandpa

And that is just how I want him to be for you

no less than any other grandparent you have. 

7/17/20

For Everly 

Yesterday you slept late for your nap

I don’t like to wake you on days like that

You look so peaceful

You get so upset sometimes to be woken

So I sat on the bed

Rubbed your back 

Waited

For you to be ready

Slowly you opened your eyes

Laid there pillowed on those cheeks that take me right back to your baby days

I sat on the ground in front of you

Still waiting and rubbing your back

Then it was like you saw me

Finally awake

And you smiled

This huge grin that reached up to your eyes

That one moment 

That smile 

Was like the day I fell in love with your daddy

I’m sure if he could see me

I would have been wearing the new smile

The one that says that happy endings are real

That darkness can never last 

Because moments like that are too real for words

7/18/20

For Greyson

I know I will forget 

The way you rested your head in the crook of my elbow

Left your tiny hand on my breast 

Settled back to sleep

I will forget

The way your profile looked in the pale blue light of 8:44 on a summer night

At peace with just the slightest furrow to your brow

I will forget the weight of you in my arms

So this poem will remember for me 

That you were once so small

So trusting

So completely mine

7/22/20

For Everly

I found you curled up

In your chair from when you were small

You had fallen asleep there

One arm around your bear

Greyson’s blanket trailing out of the left side of it 

(You like his blanket better than your own)

Daddy and I tucked you in

Laid blankets over you when we noticed your goosebumps 

And talked softly about how you were the best thing we had ever made

7/23/20

I don’t think I’m ok

I think the monster has come for me

And it doesn’t look like I thought it would

7/24/20

For Greyson

You were sick

I came into your room

Thinking that the boom of the fireworks

That had kept me up for the past hour 

Had kept you up too

But then I settled you into the bed with me

You threw up

And I knew that you weren’t ok

I laid you against my chest

With your head up resting on my shoulder

You were exhausted 

Wilted into me

One arm curled around my neck

You wanted to stay right there while you puked

Cried when I turned you away from me to lose it in the sink or a bowl

I spent the night with you in my arms

Slept all night with you there

It was hard

I was tired

My dreams were stilted and strange as if I were the one who was sick

But always you were there

And I was with you

Like I never thought I would be able to be 

Because I lose it

When people lose it

It was a Mama moment

Hard

A rite of passage

Beautiful

Heartbreaking 

Like so many moments of motherhood

It was everything at once

7/28/20

For Greyson

You give me kisses

So many kisses

Open mouth

Clamped down on my chin

Fingers knotted into my hair

To cling onto me

Pull me in tighter

You don’t kiss anybody

The way you kiss me

It means a lot

These days seem so hard

So lonely

But those kisses feel like connection

When I feel about to break

They bring me right smack dab into the middle of that moment 

I can’t help but be present in those kisses

I need that

7/31/20

For Everly 

2 and a half

Baby girl

Daddy called today my Pre-launch 

For my 30th birthday

But in my mind

Today was yours

We threw rocks in the river 

Watched Scorpia

A “different” Frozen

Got French fries

Ate them in the grass

Then filled up the pool

It was a good day

For a pre-launch

And for a half birthday. 

Thanks for reading!