anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

Poems of Motherhood | March 2020

For Greyson

You fell asleep in my lap
A straight line out in front of me
I cupped my hands around your tiny shoulders
Remembered what it was like when you were inside me kicking around

You’ve gotten me through some rough moments
you have been my peace before we even brought you home

These months with you growing in me
And now out
Have been the hardest of my life
Eclipsing days when I lay broken-hearted on the floor and the year that followed where it felt like happiness would never return
Not to the deep places of me at least

This last year has left me cold deep
With moments where sunlight somehow pierces the clouds

So it means something special to me that you bring me the same kind of peace I seem to bring you
You sleep easier in my arms
Cradled in my shoulder in the mornings
I curl around you
Protect you
Listen to you breathe and know that for at least these mornings 
Everything is whole. 

For Everly 

Today I found myself with you in my arms over and over

When you cried for no reason during your nap and normally I would have let you cry
But today I went in
Got you out of your crib
And held you while you said “it’s ok to cry”

Then I tucked you back in

I found you in my arms again 
When you cried for no reason in the bathtub
AMA and Papa had Greyson
Daddy was on a work call

I scooped you out of the warm water
Let you rest your head against me
Still soapy with shampoo and dripping wet
I held you until you said “water” and let me put you back in

“Crying a widdle bit”

Then at bedtime

Over and over you cried and were comforted
It made me feel worth something
It made me feel like I’m still your momma
Though you need me less

For Greyson and Everly

They told me that you love what you sacrifice most for
Perhaps that is why I love you so fiercely 

For Greyson

Today was a snapshot day
Flicking between you and your sister

Waking up to you in my arms
Those perfect cheeks

Everly pouring water in the bathtub
In just a cloth diaper for an hour

You falling asleep in my arms
Watching the ceiling fan spin

Everly demanding a story
“One time”

Both of you surrendering to sleep
So that daddy and I could fall asleep in each other’s arms on the couch

For Brian

Some days I get stuck in the counting
In the moments of sacrifice 
Of my body
My time

Feeling like I’m giving it all

But I know that you give things I don’t see
I know that it’s hard to walk out that door each morning
I know it’s hard to shoulder the load that is the weight of all of us

I promise that even when I am stuck in the counting
I will remember to count you too


For Everly

The pull to motherhood is strong 
Even as I struggle to find my footing
To balance you and your brother

I find myself looking for our next baby

I’m not even out of the 4th trimester
Not sleeping through the night
Not to the bliss point 
Where everything settles and breathes deep 

I am in the depths of motherhood right now
yet I am looking forward

Truly being pulled along

It isn’t as if you aren’t enough 
It’s as if they’re already here and I miss them
It’s as if I’ve left them in a room and need to go find them

It’s my tie to you
My firstborn babe
That makes me want more

For Greyson

You did not sleep well last night
I broke my 4 AM rule to pull you into our bed
That always seems to be the magic sleepy dust I’ve not been able to find in pacifiers for you
You settled in and slept for almost 4 hours

It isn’t lost on me that my body is a kind of magic 
It housed you
It feeds you
It lulls you to sleep

You are a kind of magic to me
You comforted me with your kicks
Gave me hope
Smiled at me when I was crying

You soothe me
Just as I soothe you

For another baby

I’m looking for you already
When my arms are full of my babies
The ones I can see and touch
I think of you
Find my mama heart looking back to the bedrooms
Wondering if you are still sleeping
Or who has you
Before I remember 
All my babies are in my arms

I never felt this before
This wondering where my baby is
When I have them here

It’s a kind of ache
One that
For the moment
I am not eager to soothe

We had your brother before we were ready
He was a step towards the light in a very dark place
We had your sister before we were ready
She was a step toward the light when we already knew it was very close

You would be a leap off a cliff if we took those steps now
Yet I’m certain we would land in the most beautiful ocean 

For Brian 

What is there to say
But I love you
The kind way you speak to Everly
The way you have taken our children into your heart

For Greyson

There’s a spot on my forehead
The one that taught your sister the word “Scar”
I had a scar there before
A little dot from the chickenpox I got as a child

But last year
When you were too small to be seen even in a bump
I acquired a new scar right up next to my old one

To be honest I hated it
I liked my old scar
I hated that my new scar would be so much bigger now

But today as I was getting ready for bed
I noticed that it looked a bit like a heart

And I decided to love it instead

For Everly

Today you had a good day
For most of the day

Until bedtime

Then it seemed as if your world was falling apart. 

Tonight was my night off

But I spent it holding you
I spent it missing dinner so that maybe you would feel safe
I spent it with your arms wrapped right around my neck

For Brian

Today I wore a bikini for you
Pumped in the car on our date
Got ready
The way I used to for dates

And it was nice
To be just us for a few hours
To mostly forget that we had two sleeping babies at home
That the extra skin on my belly wasn’t there
That we didn’t have almost 5 years behind us

It was nice too
To come home and remember those babies we made
To feel the weight of our new son sleeping in my arms again

Nice to remember the almost 5 years that brought us here. 

For Greyson

I ate chocolate last night
I had been craving a chocolate ice cream cone for weeks
I didn’t even think of it until after I ordered it

You hate chocolate 

I felt so selfish afterward
Knowing you’d come to me hungry 
But pull away from the taste

I’m sorry for the ice cream cone

For Everly

Today felt like a failing day
Where I try to be everywhere and end up nowhere

I wanted to be with you
But the diapers needed to be folded
I wanted to be with you
But dinner needed to be made
I wanted to be with you
But Greyson needed to be fed

But I was watching you
Even when I wasn’t with you
The way you did “buh-bums”
The way you played your fingers on your bear after your nap
The way you said my name from way back in your crib when you first woke up

I see you, baby girl, 
I see you

For Greyson

You have this cute little pout you do
Bottom lip pushed way out
You wave your head around
Full pout in the lead

I’ll admit
It’s the cutest pout I’ve ever seen

For Everly

Yesterday you lost it
Full out tantrum
Running “far way”
I sat with you 

Watched you tense everything up the way I used to when I was small and angry
I watched you hit yourself 
Soft enough for me to feel like intervening would cause more harm

It hurt me to watch you
So sad
I tried to let you know that I was there
That when you were ready
I would hold you

But you were so mad you couldn’t see it

It wasn’t until I knelt down
Prayed for you in front of you
While I felt stupid
And you were mad that I was doing it

But you calmed right down

For Everly 

Today the earth shook
When it was still dark out
I was sitting at the table

And the earth shook

Everything I have ever been taught about how to be safe

I ran down the hallway with the world still shaking
Into your room
Put my hand on your back

You were still sleeping
Your world wasn’t shaking

Then daddy came in
Held me while I cried and you started to wake up 

All day has been an earthquake 

The aftershocks hitting
Breaking the safety of my home in a helpless way

What can one mother do against the earth?

The last aftershock
I had finally settled down
Then the world was shaking again
I said one word

Then ran for you and your brother

My heart is still shaking
Still hearing the rumble of the earth

I’ll be looking for aftershocks
Waiting for them
For years
I think 

For Greyson

I got out of the tub
Dressed and Daddy passed the warm weight of you to me
I felt whole as I tried to sway you to sleep
Sways so different from the ones that rocked our world yesterday 
I thought about how the scent of me makes you feel safe
How it made me so happy that just that little bit of me comforts your heart

For Everly

I think you dream of fruit snacks
Because often it’s the first words out of your mouth in the morning 
Still rubbing your eyes
Already asking for them

I get them for you
Though I know you’ll ask for them again
The rest of the day


For Greyson

You smile with your whole body
Big eyes opening wider
Mouth joining in
Arms going tight to your belly
Legs going up

It’s adorable
Reminds me to feel things all the way through

For Everly

Today you let Ama hold you
Read you stories
Like you used to. 

Lately, you ask for her 
Then run away
When you see her 
You say
“Far way”
As you run to a wall 
Or down the hallway

So today
To let her be your Ama
Meant more than you know

For Greyson

This morning I pulled you into our bed
For one more hour of sleep
I curled my body around you 
But made sure our heads were separate on my pillow

You settled in my arms
I drifted back to sleep
Only to wake with my lips on your forehead 
Like always seems to happen

So I just smiled
fell back asleep. 

For Greyson

Today was your blessing day
We dressed you all in white
A gray bow tie 
White suspenders

Daddy held you
Gave you your name
Like a gift
Wrapped up in blessings of happiness

He twined those blessings around and around your name
While you smiled up at him

We are all of us tangled up in blessings
But it was something special
To see it all settle on you
In a way that lifts
Instead of burdens

There is hope ahead
Even in these dark times

For Everly

I sat you on my lap today
To watch Grinch
Your favorite 

“Hold you” 
Still melts me 
And tugs at me. 

I feel broken some days
To have to say no
To feed Greyson
To get him 

To know from the way you hold your body
The way that you hold your mouth
That me saying no is held against me
In a way that Daddy having to work never is

Thanks for reading! I hope you all are having a great quarantine!

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