anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Sunday, May 31, 2020

Monthly Moments | May 2020

Well, May went by in a flash! After April lasting approximately 12 months... I can't believe that things are already opening up here in Utah. I don't feel ready. I feel scared. I feel like it's too soon. I don't know that I'll ever be ready to go back to the way that things were. Things have changed so much and as much as I hear people hating on the "new normal" or the distancing, I think that there have been so many good things that have come from quarantine. It has taught me that my family really is the most important thing. I was getting into the shower the other day and thinking about how in all the ways that really matter, I am living my dream life. I have my babies. I have my husband working from home. I have so much of what I have always wanted both physically and temporally. Quarantine has made me feel so blessed and very lucky to have enjoyed the things that I have been able to enjoy through this season. I have loved that the world has turned more to sustainable options. I love that we have seen the difference that we can make by driving less. It has driven me to think more about the people around me. There has been so much good. Even though there have been so many hard things for so many people, I am grateful that bad hasn't been all that has come from this.

After not grocery shopping for two years (yes, you read that right, two years) I finally got to go grocery shopping. When I was young I hated grocery shopping. I even went so far as to say that my future husband would have to be the one who did the grocery shopping because I hated it so much. I can't exactly say why I hated it so much, other than it just drained me. I would literally sit on the floor sometimes when I went grocery shopping with my mom because it would just take it out of me. 

For the last two years, we have been living with my mom and step-dad. When we moved in we just rolled our grocery money into our rent. My mom shopped for all of us and we ate together sometimes. However, due to Covid, my step-dad had to take a voluntary layoff and retire early. So my mom wasn't sure that they'd be able to afford to keep feeding us.

At first, I was disappointed, but then I got so excited. There is just something about being in control of what food you eat and getting to choose what comes into your home. 

Since then I have made so many new recipes and I get excited to go grocery shopping (every two weeks). The only bummer is that building up a pantry is expensive.

Greyson had his 4 month check... right before he turned 5 months. He is changing so much and getting so fun. He loves to be naked and it's getting more and more obvious that he inherited his Ama's rosy cheeks. I think it's so adorable but I'm sure that he won't be so pleased to blush like Bella from Twilight so easily when he gets older. 

I was really into hiking a few years ago. I blame my ex-boyfriend. After nearly dying (maybe an exaggeration... I did get pretty dehydrated, but didn't actually go to a hospital for it or anything) trying to hike Mt. Olympus. I actually blame that hike for our breakup a few weeks later, but I'm glad we broke up and I digress. I made it a goal to hike Mt. Olympus, so I started hiking at least once weekly. Surprisingly, I ended up loving it. Brian and I used to hike together quite often, but we haven't really hiked at all since Everly was born.

We have made it to the mountains a few times in the last few weeks. I had forgotten how much I love being in the mountains. Brian has been wanting to go for so long, but honestly, it just sounded like a huge hassle with the babies. They can't really hike and it disrupts naps and meal times...

But we went. I loved it. We will be going again. Hopefully, I don't get myself lost again like I did last time we went. Everly talks about going to the mountains all the time. Mainly, she says "throw rocks in the river" as she is recounting her day to us. Every night, whether or not we went that day.

I took this sweet girl on a date. She has gone on several dates with her daddy. Mainly because she has seemed like she missed him and needed some one-on-one time. I have been wanting to go on a date with her for a long time, but with Greyson, it is so much harder to get that done. I have to make sure that Brian is not working, it's not nap-time or bedtime, and I have to make sure that it's in a good window for Greyson and that we have enough milk in the fridge for him if he needs to eat while I'm gone... It's hard, but we went on Memorial day. We went to Sonic and got milkshakes and fries then went to the Jordan River Parkway and threw rocks in the river. Also, in South Jordan, they have something called a story walk where they post a whole story page by page along the path and they change out the story every week. So we read that story too. 

Before I had babies, a perfect day for me would have included reading and taking a bath and getting some good food (probably with fries).
Now, my perfect day includes one on one time with each of my babies and some exercise, a good book, a bath, some one-on-one time with Brian... and french fries.

This may eventually become its own post seeing as I plan on trying a lot of recipes, but for now, it's just going to be a section on here.

1. Broccoli Cheese Soup ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐  Will definitely be copying this into my personal recipe book and making it again.
2. Healthy Sweet and Sour Chicken ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Will make again. I probably needed to cook my cornstarch on my chicken longer because it turned my glaze into a gravy... but was still really good.
3. Crustless Caprese Quiche ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Despite the fact that it looked more like a pizza (Everly kept asking to have some of my pizza), it was really good. 
4. Giant Strawberry Poptart (GF) ⭐⭐⭐⭐ It was good. It was probably the most intimidating recipe for me. I will probably tweak the recipe a bit next time. It says that it lasts like 3 days at room temperature, but Brian polished it off before 24 hours was up... so I guess it turned out ok. 😉
5. Four Cheese Spaghetti ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Pretty good and pretty easy to make! I had several people ask me for the recipe so I'm glad it looked as good as it tasted 😊
6. Mushroom Zucchini Lasagna Rolls ⭐⭐⭐ These tasted pretty good but were not worth the time investment. It took me over an hour to make them and both children were screaming at some point through the process.

Also, just a note, that I made all of these gluten-free by substituting gluten-free flour when it called for flour or gluten-free pasta when it called for pasta.

Books I've loved this month:

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Podcasts I've loved this month:

Things that stuck with me from these podcasts/books:
-Teenagers are adventurers in Adult land who don't want anyone to know that they're from Child land.
-Doing everything just for yourself (all play and no work) is just as bad as doing everything for everyone else.

It was a good month! I'd love to hear what your highlights from the last month were!

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Wednesday, May 6, 2020

Poems of Motherhood | April 2020

I didn't write as often this month. I worried that when I put these all together that there wouldn't be enough. It turns out that I love this month's poems much more than I thought I would.

For Brian

Today I felt heavy all-day
I could have crawled into bed
Slept through all the daylight

You sent me funny memes
Didn’t blame me when Greyson wouldn’t sleep
Offered to let me take a bath

You were there for me
My partner 
In each moment of the day

I never want these days to end. 

For Everly

You swung on the swings with daddy
while I watched with Greyson slung to my chest
We ran in the grass
I held your hand to “race” you to the other side
When we got there I swung you around and we raced back

Then we bathed the dirt and the play off of you
I got in too with Greyson in my arms because the tub is so deep

It was a day of moments
Where I caught myself feeling so blessed
So lucky
That it brought me to tears

You’ll never know what you mean to me

Little one 

For Greyson

I put my forehead on yours
to make you feel safe
your arms flail
your body stiffens 

But when my head is close to yours
you relax
for just a moment 

For Everly

We played out in the yard
You handed me rocks to put in my pocket
Picked little purple flowers that I’ve never noticed before
Swung in the swings with me

I watched you climb a ladder on the playset
Clearly terrified
But doing it anyway
Over and over again

Even when you slipped
Bar hitting you hard across the middle
I comforted you for mere seconds before you wanted to get back on

My brave girl
My bold girl
Going out 
And strong 

For Greyson

You love taking baths
With me
I cradle you with my arms
Supporting the small weight of you in the water

You smile so widely 
As if this was what you needed all-day
Not the cuddles
Not feeding

But to be weightless in your mother’s arms

For Greyson 

I nursed you as I just got out of the bath
Waited until you fell to sleep
Then carried you carefully to your crib

As I leaned over your small sleeping body
I hesitated
Studied your perfect face
Thought of how you’d only be this tiny for a moment

You are magic, darling
Don’t ever forget it 

For Everly

I love you something fierce

When I was small
I always worried I would lose my mother 
Some of my scariest nightmares were of her dying
I worried I wouldn’t be good enough to make it to heaven with her

Then I grew

I had no idea the bond that would tie me to my daughter
I knew I would love you

But not like this

Not this bone marrow deep
tug at my soul
lashed together kind of love

I know you love me deep too
But I pray you get the chance to be a mother
So that you can feel it too

So that you can know that when I held you tonight
with your bear and blanket crushed between us
Listening to you mumble random things as you calmed down
feeling your breathing calm as you laid your head against my shoulder
That your momma loved you so deep
that she memorized the feel of your weight in her arms
because those moments are precious

So when I laid you in your bed
your mouth turned down at the corners
fighting tears
I felt that too

For my babies

I’m just like every other mother
Who wishes she could lay the burden of motherhood down
To hand it off like a coat weighted down with bricks

Just like every other mother who knows that if I were to do so
I would miss the weight of it

It’s the kind of weight that breaks you

And builds you
Into something you never knew you could be before
Someone softer
Someone better than who you were when all you had to carry was yourself

So forgive me
When I ache from rocking you to sleep
Remember that when I lay you down 
I miss the feel of you in my arms 

For Greyson

You fell asleep with your fingers curled into my hair
Safe and warm in my arms
I laid you gently down
Ignoring the fact that I will be picking you up again shortly

Tonight I am alone
Your care is up to me 
I will watch after you sweet boy

Wherever I may be

For Greyson

Your Ama looks at your hair in the sunlight
The golden cast of it
Compares it to her baby girl

I think he will be red
She says

Your Poppy looks at your smiling face on the screen
Your chubby cheeks
Big blue eyes
Compares you to your sister in babyhood

He looks like himself
He says

I look at your hair
Watch the way it turns golden in the light
The way it curls at the nape of your neck

Wait and see
I think

I look at your big eyes
Your chubby cheeks
So like your sister 

Wait and see
I think 

You will
be who
you will

I love to wait and see

For Greyson

It was your first night in the nursery
I wondered if I would spend the whole night away from you
For the first time
Part of me hoped
Part of me despaired

I found myself in your room
At midnight
And 3
And 5

One of the times
3 or 5
I held you in the rocking chair
The one that rocked me
Your sister
Now you

I stared at the blue wall
In the dim light

Until I heard the birds singing

The sound was sweet and light
The sound of spring
I could almost feel the cool air of the morning
Even with the window closed

It seemed the perfect sound for your first morning in the nursery.

Thanks for reading!

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