anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

Poems of Motherhood | April 2020

I didn't write as often this month. I worried that when I put these all together that there wouldn't be enough. It turns out that I love this month's poems much more than I thought I would.

For Brian

Today I felt heavy all-day
I could have crawled into bed
Slept through all the daylight

You sent me funny memes
Didn’t blame me when Greyson wouldn’t sleep
Offered to let me take a bath

You were there for me
My partner 
In each moment of the day

I never want these days to end. 

For Everly

You swung on the swings with daddy
while I watched with Greyson slung to my chest
We ran in the grass
I held your hand to “race” you to the other side
When we got there I swung you around and we raced back

Then we bathed the dirt and the play off of you
I got in too with Greyson in my arms because the tub is so deep

It was a day of moments
Where I caught myself feeling so blessed
So lucky
That it brought me to tears

You’ll never know what you mean to me

Little one 

For Greyson

I put my forehead on yours
to make you feel safe
your arms flail
your body stiffens 

But when my head is close to yours
you relax
for just a moment 

For Everly

We played out in the yard
You handed me rocks to put in my pocket
Picked little purple flowers that I’ve never noticed before
Swung in the swings with me

I watched you climb a ladder on the playset
Clearly terrified
But doing it anyway
Over and over again

Even when you slipped
Bar hitting you hard across the middle
I comforted you for mere seconds before you wanted to get back on

My brave girl
My bold girl
Going out 
And strong 

For Greyson

You love taking baths
With me
I cradle you with my arms
Supporting the small weight of you in the water

You smile so widely 
As if this was what you needed all-day
Not the cuddles
Not feeding

But to be weightless in your mother’s arms

For Greyson 

I nursed you as I just got out of the bath
Waited until you fell to sleep
Then carried you carefully to your crib

As I leaned over your small sleeping body
I hesitated
Studied your perfect face
Thought of how you’d only be this tiny for a moment

You are magic, darling
Don’t ever forget it 

For Everly

I love you something fierce

When I was small
I always worried I would lose my mother 
Some of my scariest nightmares were of her dying
I worried I wouldn’t be good enough to make it to heaven with her

Then I grew

I had no idea the bond that would tie me to my daughter
I knew I would love you

But not like this

Not this bone marrow deep
tug at my soul
lashed together kind of love

I know you love me deep too
But I pray you get the chance to be a mother
So that you can feel it too

So that you can know that when I held you tonight
with your bear and blanket crushed between us
Listening to you mumble random things as you calmed down
feeling your breathing calm as you laid your head against my shoulder
That your momma loved you so deep
that she memorized the feel of your weight in her arms
because those moments are precious

So when I laid you in your bed
your mouth turned down at the corners
fighting tears
I felt that too

For my babies

I’m just like every other mother
Who wishes she could lay the burden of motherhood down
To hand it off like a coat weighted down with bricks

Just like every other mother who knows that if I were to do so
I would miss the weight of it

It’s the kind of weight that breaks you

And builds you
Into something you never knew you could be before
Someone softer
Someone better than who you were when all you had to carry was yourself

So forgive me
When I ache from rocking you to sleep
Remember that when I lay you down 
I miss the feel of you in my arms 

For Greyson

You fell asleep with your fingers curled into my hair
Safe and warm in my arms
I laid you gently down
Ignoring the fact that I will be picking you up again shortly

Tonight I am alone
Your care is up to me 
I will watch after you sweet boy

Wherever I may be

For Greyson

Your Ama looks at your hair in the sunlight
The golden cast of it
Compares it to her baby girl

I think he will be red
She says

Your Poppy looks at your smiling face on the screen
Your chubby cheeks
Big blue eyes
Compares you to your sister in babyhood

He looks like himself
He says

I look at your hair
Watch the way it turns golden in the light
The way it curls at the nape of your neck

Wait and see
I think

I look at your big eyes
Your chubby cheeks
So like your sister 

Wait and see
I think 

You will
be who
you will

I love to wait and see

For Greyson

It was your first night in the nursery
I wondered if I would spend the whole night away from you
For the first time
Part of me hoped
Part of me despaired

I found myself in your room
At midnight
And 3
And 5

One of the times
3 or 5
I held you in the rocking chair
The one that rocked me
Your sister
Now you

I stared at the blue wall
In the dim light

Until I heard the birds singing

The sound was sweet and light
The sound of spring
I could almost feel the cool air of the morning
Even with the window closed

It seemed the perfect sound for your first morning in the nursery.

Thanks for reading!

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