anchored in light

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Sunday, June 7, 2020

Poems of Motherhood | May 2020

For Everly

Today you cried
You wanted me to hold you 
And I tried

But Greyson was crying
He wanted me to hold him too 

It’s hard
Being torn this way

I'm tied so tightly to both of you 

For Everly 

Come, little one,
Let me paint you a picture
Of your Parents in Heaven

When I see your Heavenly Father
In my mind
He has kind eyes
Blue, the kind that blaze
In a good way
He has a smile that is gentle
Big hands and a big lap
He is strong
You can tell he carries a weight
in the same way that bodybuilders lift dumbbells
You can only read it in the way he carries himself
The tone of his voice and the strain of his heart

When I see your Heavenly Mother
her eyes are tender
her hands reaching
she is leaning toward you
whispering words you can't hear
of how she loves you
is watching over you

I know how I love you
is a fraction of how they love you
it's bigger than oceans
than the whole universe
always expanding
the way they say that space is

For Greyson

You’re impatient now
It’s like you read into the moments when you’re left alone
Think that they mean we are gone forever 

You want to be held
You want to be the center of attention

I want to give that to you
You deserve that
Every baby does

But unfortunately 
I am not just your mama

And it kills me
Because I love you just as much
As your sister
As much as my first

For Everly 

It was a roller coaster today

You rode the highs with jumping and skipping and “buh bums”
You swung through the lows with tears and holding tight to my legs

We played the kissing game in the morning
Where you kiss me and then go to the empty entertainment center and climb in
Then come back to me for another kiss

But at bedtime, you didn’t want any kisses at all

For Greyson

I gave up a sneeze for you
My dear boy
I felt it building
But you had just fallen asleep

After nearly 30 minutes of rocking
And nursing 

So I held it in
Let it die out

This means nothing to you now
But someday you will know the price of a sneeze

I gave up a sneeze for you
And you woke up anyway

For my babies

Today is Mother’s Day
A day that I’ve waited my whole life to mean something
As much as I have been a mother 
It has always seemed a title that is beyond me
Even with two pregnancies 
Two babies
I still feel like a rookie
Still waiting for the moment when I am finally 

But you are still mine
Whether or not I feel like a mom
I am your mother
So different than what I imagined 

I had thought
A new me
And I am
So new
Still raw and pink-skinned 
in so many ways

But still so…
I imagine that I will always be there at the end of the day
No matter how many other parts of me are chipped off or added in

For Everly

Yesterday you laid in bed with me
Pretended to be sleeping
You with your bear
Me with mine 

Today I laid in bed with you
To make you feel loved
So that you would take your nap
Instead of crying

So often lately
I find myself comforting you
Holding your small body that is bigger each day

Someday you’ll be too big for my arms
Someday you’ll make me go 

And I will
If that’s what you want

But for now
I’m a safe place

For Everly

Today was hard
For both of us

It started and ended in tears

Days like this
Make you feel like they will never end
That nothing will pull you out of this sadness

Just like magic
You turn a corner
You sit in my lap
Say “knife” instead of crying
Point out the “robins” in the yard

Suddenly the world is sunny again
I have to tell myself
Not to fear the clouds
Not to change the way I parent you
Just to avoid
In the morning
And at night. 

For Greyson

The morning starts slipping into your room around 4 AM

It starts with the birds singing 
The sound coming through the panes of glass before the sun has even thought of waking

Bit by bit
The shadows fade from black to grey to blue
My favorite blue
Warm and brighter somehow that a sunny day
There’s promise in that color blue

For Another Baby

I felt my heart looking for you again
Your sister was on the couch
Your brother was in my lap

My head turned toward the bedrooms
Wondering where you were 

I don’t know what it means
That I am looking for you already 
But I am
Even when I tell my heart to hold steady on the babes in my arms
It goes looking
For you

For Greyson

I took you into the quiet of the trees
Lately, I’ve noticed
The noise gets to me
The constant of vacuums or music or even the crashing of waves

It makes me panic
Makes me feel like I’m drowning in it

So while sister and daddy threw rocks

We ventured into the woods

We walked over boulders
Through dry stream beds
By wildflowers

We walked without worrying too much about the path we were taking
Not going too far so we could find our way back
We walked until we found the rushing of the river

I smiled
Knowing this was a "me and you" kind of moment
One you won’t remember

Then we turned back
found ourselves lost

I could hear the road
But I could not see it

We walked along random trails
Climbed boulders we hadn’t seen before
Until your head fell heavy against my chest 

I spoke to you
Telling you it would be alright
Until I climbed up to the road
It wasn’t until then
That you fell asleep to the sound of my pounding heartbeat

I wonder now
If the cadence of my heartbeat kept you awake
Held open your tired eyes so that you could be there with me
Wandering trails
So that I wouldn’t wander alone

I wonder if it slowed as I walked down the road
The sun in my eyes
Let you know that I knew
That we were safe
Even though I’d said it all along

For Everly

You’ve been having a hard time with naps
And bedtime
You need someone
Daddy or me
To lay with you
Let you wind down from to moment

But yesterday,
Was particularly rough

Your soul
Would not
Be comforted

I got you in bed 
Laid down beside you

After a few minutes, I tried to leave
3 times I tried
Until I asked, 
“Do you just need your momma today?”

“Yeah,” you said
In the voice that says “I was just crying”

So I laid with you
Watched your eyes flutter closed
Knowing that you hadn’t fallen asleep in my arms in ages

I could have stayed there with you
Would have
Knowing the way I always felt
Waking up alone

But I had to go
Greyson would need me soon

For Greyson

Motherhood is a practice in the art of letting go

Yesterday you put your binky back in your mouth
Went back to sleep at 5 AM
And I was grateful
For the extra hour

Then again this morning

Then again tonight

And suddenly I felt myself missing you

We have been working on less rocking
Counting the minutes 
Then cutting them down
In hopes that you would sleep
Without me

Some part of me didn’t think it would work
Some part of me didn’t want it to
Even while the other part of me was desperate to get those minutes back

Now I need you
When you don’t need me

For Everly

The other morning
Before you were even awake
I read a post about a little girl 
Almost your age
how she shut her eyes for the last time
Left a legacy at just 3 years old 

All-day long I struggled to look at you
To see my healthy little girl 
Who hopefully has many days and weeks and years ahead of her
And not see the little girl who had no more days 

It broke me
To think of losing you
Breaks me still

Thanks for reading! I hope you all had a great May!
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