anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

Poems of Motherhood | July 2020



For Everly

Your tiny hands

With those delicate fingers

You have always been able to pick up the smallest things

Pressing thumb and forefinger together

Before anything else

You could bring those together

Now you use them to pick up crumbs

To “make string”

To find the tiniest hair that has drifted down to land on you

What will those precise fingers do in the future?

What have my hands taught you to do?


For Greyson

We’re in the cry it out phase

So I put you down

Walk away before your eyes have closed

Most of the time 

It’s fine


Sometimes you cry so long that I come back in

Lean over you

Wrap my hands around your tiny head

Lean my head close so that my hair comes down like curtains around us

I smile and hope that you are inhaling the scent of me

Feeling those fingertips that you would wrap your hands around as you fell asleep

Some part of me hopes that these tiny moments let you know that you are safe

That they carry you through the moments when I’m not coming through the door

I’m hoping that the angels around you

Really do stand guard

Just like I pray that they will do every night in your nightly prayers

I can see them standing around you now

A few faced out to stand watch

While the others lean down around you

Waft the scent of my hair toward you

Just like I still sometimes catch whiffs of your great grandpa’s cologne

My heart is there with you

All night sweet boy

Just like it would be if you were sleeping beside me

Head curled into my chest. 


For Everly

You wore a cornflower blue polka dot dress today

One that was mine when I was small

I couldn’t get over the way you spun around in it, just for fun

Or the curl of your hair over the white lace and buttons

I could tell that you felt beautiful in that dress

The kind of beautiful that has almost nothing to do with how you actually look

Maybe someday you will pass that dress down

Watch your own babies spinning in that vintage magic


For Everly

You trailed after your grandpa today

Willing to put on shoes and completely abandon the kiddie pool to follow him over to the side of the house where he was gathering branches and sticks from the trimmed honeysuckle bushes

Today he was your best friend

You followed him into the garage and got into tool boxes that he didn’t want you to

I watched this little relationship blossom from a distance 

Knowing that you felt none of my complicated emotions about this man

To me, he had always been a step out of sync, a little too late to the game to feel like family

But, just like my own grandparents 

To you he is just grandpa

And that is just how I want him to be for you

no less than any other grandparent you have. 


For Everly 

Yesterday you slept late for your nap

I don’t like to wake you on days like that

You look so peaceful

You get so upset sometimes to be woken

So I sat on the bed

Rubbed your back 


For you to be ready

Slowly you opened your eyes

Laid there pillowed on those cheeks that take me right back to your baby days

I sat on the ground in front of you

Still waiting and rubbing your back

Then it was like you saw me

Finally awake

And you smiled

This huge grin that reached up to your eyes

That one moment 

That smile 

Was like the day I fell in love with your daddy

I’m sure if he could see me

I would have been wearing the new smile

The one that says that happy endings are real

That darkness can never last 

Because moments like that are too real for words


For Greyson

I know I will forget 

The way you rested your head in the crook of my elbow

Left your tiny hand on my breast 

Settled back to sleep

I will forget

The way your profile looked in the pale blue light of 8:44 on a summer night

At peace with just the slightest furrow to your brow

I will forget the weight of you in my arms

So this poem will remember for me 

That you were once so small

So trusting

So completely mine


For Everly

I found you curled up

In your chair from when you were small

You had fallen asleep there

One arm around your bear

Greyson’s blanket trailing out of the left side of it 

(You like his blanket better than your own)

Daddy and I tucked you in

Laid blankets over you when we noticed your goosebumps 

And talked softly about how you were the best thing we had ever made


I don’t think I’m ok

I think the monster has come for me

And it doesn’t look like I thought it would


For Greyson

You were sick

I came into your room

Thinking that the boom of the fireworks

That had kept me up for the past hour 

Had kept you up too

But then I settled you into the bed with me

You threw up

And I knew that you weren’t ok

I laid you against my chest

With your head up resting on my shoulder

You were exhausted 

Wilted into me

One arm curled around my neck

You wanted to stay right there while you puked

Cried when I turned you away from me to lose it in the sink or a bowl

I spent the night with you in my arms

Slept all night with you there

It was hard

I was tired

My dreams were stilted and strange as if I were the one who was sick

But always you were there

And I was with you

Like I never thought I would be able to be 

Because I lose it

When people lose it

It was a Mama moment


A rite of passage



Like so many moments of motherhood

It was everything at once


For Greyson

You give me kisses

So many kisses

Open mouth

Clamped down on my chin

Fingers knotted into my hair

To cling onto me

Pull me in tighter

You don’t kiss anybody

The way you kiss me

It means a lot

These days seem so hard

So lonely

But those kisses feel like connection

When I feel about to break

They bring me right smack dab into the middle of that moment 

I can’t help but be present in those kisses

I need that


For Everly 

2 and a half

Baby girl

Daddy called today my Pre-launch 

For my 30th birthday

But in my mind

Today was yours

We threw rocks in the river 

Watched Scorpia

A “different” Frozen

Got French fries

Ate them in the grass

Then filled up the pool

It was a good day

For a pre-launch

And for a half birthday. 

Thanks for reading!

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