anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Wednesday, September 9, 2020

Poems of Motherhood | June 2020


For Everly

I love the little things

That you call small rocks “crumbs”

That you say “Daddy is a man right now”

The way you kiss Greyson goodnight before his naps

Tell us each night that you “threw rocks in the river… car wash… milkshake… GOOD DAY”

Even when none of those things happened

The way you say “hold you for few minutes”


For Greyson

I thought I heard gunshots last night 

As I was rocking you 

With everything that has been going on

I wondered if they were coming for us

Because of our privilege

Because of our skin color

I wondered if they were going to show us how it felt to rock a baby to sleep

Not knowing that someone would come for them later

As I tried to rock against that voice

Telling me to be afraid

I googled “gunshots in West Jordan”

There was nothing

I was scared anyway 

I want to teach you not to be afraid

Not to judge 

to fight for those who are unable to fight for themselves 

Not because they are weak

But because our system is not built for them

We must rebuild it

You and I

We must tear down all that keeps them from showing their strength 

Because we should not be afraid of them


For Everly 

We were enjoying the morning

Sitting in the shade

Your brother in Ama’s arms

When a fly flew in your face

It scared you

More than doctors

More than anything I have ever seen

I held you

You needed me

To hold you tight

You would not let me put you down

All morning

All day really

My little one

So big in my arms

Needing me. 


For Greyson

I can’t believe that in just


We will be 6 months into this journey together

6 months of midnight feeds

Of smiles

Of holding you

You’ll be eating solid foods

I can already see your face

The expression on it as you discover these new textures 

It’s all so fleeting

This first year

here we are

Almost halfway through. 


For Everly

You are a girl of extremes

From high to low

I wonder if it will last

My 0-60 girl

How can I teach you to ride the highs

To embrace the lows 

Without losing yourself to them? 


For Greyson

When I put you down

After nursing you back to sleep

I leave my hand on your cheek

And you cuddle into it

It’s natural


It has been this way since you were new

But you’ve already changed the face you make when you want something

When just last week it was the same as it has been from when you were new

So I’ll keep leaving my hand there 

Until the day you no longer cuddle into it

Maybe even 

After that 


For Greyson

There’s something sacred

In the way you fall asleep in my arms

Mouth nursing

Hand resting on my breast

Sometimes I forget

That these little moments are limited

Get lost in the normalcy of these interactions 

The same way I sometimes forget that your father is magic

With the way he loves and cares for me

The way I sometimes forget that your sister is a miracle

That I grew her and birthed her

The way I grew you

The way I forget that

I am magic

So when you fell asleep in my arms

After I had climbed out of the bath to nurse you

Wrapped in just a towel

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror

Bare back with a sleeping babe in my arms

I remembered that I was magic

That my body

This body

Has housed and fed two humans besides me

Has been the one to carry tiny bodies to and from cribs

Up stairs and up mountains

That these hands have calmed and soothed hundreds of tears and tantrums 

You reminded me of the magic, dear one 


For Everly

Sometimes we get to the end of the day

I wonder what we’ve done with all the hours in between


And sleeping

I run everything backwards 

Until I remember that we watched She-ra 

And before that Frozen

Before that was nap time

Daddy stayed with you before you fell asleep 

We ate ice cream

“Turkey” (roast chicken)

You had me stay in your room

While you repeatedly said goodnight to your bear

Which you had wrapped in Greyson’s blanket

Tucked into your pillow

We played outside 

I wind it all back to the moment when I got you from your room


For Everly 

You looked lost when we got to Little Dell

As the other kids rushed around you

You held your shoulders tense

As if sensing that they would try to touch you 

It took almost the whole time

For you to warm up

You carried your rocks in your hat

New and already dirty

Waiting for the river

When we found it 

More of a stream

You could have stayed there all day

For Greyson

I nursed you go the sound of the waves against the shore

Gentle waves

It was just you and me

Tucked in against the water

with wild yellow roses

Like our own secret garden

Everything was quietly alive 

Even you and I

Especially you and I


For Everly 

You stained your fingers blue and purple 

Eating frozen berries in the sunshine

You sat in my lap as you are them

Because it was the only place “safe”

From the flies

Sometimes I wish I could go back to those childhood moments

Where you didn’t worry about stained fingers

Or clothes 

But then I remember childhood fears




I’m not sure I would trade knowledge and wisdom

And the opportunity to be a safe place

For feeling safe in my mother’s lap

For Greyson

A few days ago

I put your sister’s old hat on your head

It wasn’t until we were across the yard

Following your sister to “see snakes”

That I caught a whiff of it

The smell of summer 

Captured in the fabric of that green polka dotted hat



Something else I can’t name 

I couldn’t stop myself

From holding you close

Kissing your head through the fabric 

To smell those memories of summer


For Everly

We picked raspberries

From the bushes along the side of the fence

Where they’ve spread through the grass

Popping up in wild flowers

You carried a little bowl

It never held more than two or three berries at a time

You ate them quicker than I could gather them

There’s something about motherhood 

That makes me share these things with you

The taste of summer raspberries 

Half my smoothies

The last bites of my favorite treats

My fries

Anyone who knows me

Knows that sharing fries means deep love

So I gave you all the best berries

Only taking one or two for myself

You never would have known the difference 

But I would. 


For Everly

I tucked away a memory of you today

I remember noting it as it passed

Pressing the details into my memory

Only to find that when I got to the end of the day

Each one had slipped away

Like sand or dust in the wind

I wonder now

What that moment was

What it meant to me

Because I can only see the edges of it now

You playing

Me trying to take it all in

So many moments are lost this way

But well lived in the moment 

Thanks for reading! I hope that you all had a great summer! I am looking forward to the fall. It's my favorite season.

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