anchored in light

A lifestyle blog about finding light in every avenue of life

Wednesday, September 9, 2020

Poems of Motherhood | June 2020



6/1/20

For Everly


I love the little things

That you call small rocks “crumbs”

That you say “Daddy is a man right now”

The way you kiss Greyson goodnight before his naps

Tell us each night that you “threw rocks in the river… car wash… milkshake… GOOD DAY”

Even when none of those things happened

The way you say “hold you for few minutes”



6/3/20

For Greyson


I thought I heard gunshots last night 

As I was rocking you 

With everything that has been going on

I wondered if they were coming for us


Because of our privilege

Because of our skin color

I wondered if they were going to show us how it felt to rock a baby to sleep

Not knowing that someone would come for them later


As I tried to rock against that voice

Telling me to be afraid

I googled “gunshots in West Jordan”


There was nothing

I was scared anyway 


I want to teach you not to be afraid

Not to judge 

to fight for those who are unable to fight for themselves 

Not because they are weak

But because our system is not built for them


We must rebuild it

You and I

We must tear down all that keeps them from showing their strength 


Because we should not be afraid of them



6/4/20

For Everly 


We were enjoying the morning

Sitting in the shade

Your brother in Ama’s arms


When a fly flew in your face


It scared you


More than doctors

More than anything I have ever seen


I held you

You needed me

To hold you tight


You would not let me put you down

All morning

All day really


My little one

So big in my arms

Needing me. 



6/13/20

For Greyson


I can’t believe that in just

Days

We will be 6 months into this journey together


6 months of midnight feeds

Of smiles

Of holding you


You’ll be eating solid foods

I can already see your face

The expression on it as you discover these new textures 


It’s all so fleeting

This first year

here we are


Almost halfway through. 


6/14/20

For Everly


You are a girl of extremes

From high to low

I wonder if it will last


My 0-60 girl


How can I teach you to ride the highs

To embrace the lows 

Without losing yourself to them? 



6/15/20

For Greyson

When I put you down

After nursing you back to sleep

I leave my hand on your cheek

And you cuddle into it


It’s natural

Instinctive 


It has been this way since you were new

But you’ve already changed the face you make when you want something

When just last week it was the same as it has been from when you were new


So I’ll keep leaving my hand there 

Until the day you no longer cuddle into it

Maybe even 

After that 


6/17/20

For Greyson


There’s something sacred

In the way you fall asleep in my arms

Mouth nursing

Hand resting on my breast


Sometimes I forget

That these little moments are limited

Get lost in the normalcy of these interactions 


The same way I sometimes forget that your father is magic

With the way he loves and cares for me


The way I sometimes forget that your sister is a miracle

That I grew her and birthed her


The way I grew you

The way I forget that

I am magic


So when you fell asleep in my arms

After I had climbed out of the bath to nurse you

Wrapped in just a towel


I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror

Bare back with a sleeping babe in my arms


I remembered that I was magic

That my body

This body

Has housed and fed two humans besides me

Has been the one to carry tiny bodies to and from cribs

Up stairs and up mountains

That these hands have calmed and soothed hundreds of tears and tantrums 

You reminded me of the magic, dear one 


6/18/20

For Everly


Sometimes we get to the end of the day

I wonder what we’ve done with all the hours in between

Waking

And sleeping


I run everything backwards 

Until I remember that we watched She-ra 

And before that Frozen

Before that was nap time

Daddy stayed with you before you fell asleep 


We ate ice cream

“Turkey” (roast chicken)

You had me stay in your room

While you repeatedly said goodnight to your bear

Which you had wrapped in Greyson’s blanket

Tucked into your pillow

We played outside 

I wind it all back to the moment when I got you from your room



6/20/20

For Everly 


You looked lost when we got to Little Dell

As the other kids rushed around you

You held your shoulders tense

As if sensing that they would try to touch you 


It took almost the whole time

For you to warm up

You carried your rocks in your hat

New and already dirty

Waiting for the river


When we found it 

More of a stream

You could have stayed there all day



For Greyson


I nursed you go the sound of the waves against the shore

Gentle waves

It was just you and me

Tucked in against the water

with wild yellow roses

Like our own secret garden

Everything was quietly alive 

Even you and I

Especially you and I



6/21/20

For Everly 


You stained your fingers blue and purple 

Eating frozen berries in the sunshine


You sat in my lap as you are them

Because it was the only place “safe”

From the flies


Sometimes I wish I could go back to those childhood moments

Where you didn’t worry about stained fingers

Or clothes 

But then I remember childhood fears


Spiders

Mice

Darkness


I’m not sure I would trade knowledge and wisdom

And the opportunity to be a safe place

For feeling safe in my mother’s lap


For Greyson


A few days ago

I put your sister’s old hat on your head


It wasn’t until we were across the yard

Following your sister to “see snakes”

That I caught a whiff of it

The smell of summer 

Captured in the fabric of that green polka dotted hat


Sunscreen 

Chlorine

Something else I can’t name 


I couldn’t stop myself

From holding you close

Kissing your head through the fabric 

To smell those memories of summer



6/25/20

For Everly


We picked raspberries

From the bushes along the side of the fence

Where they’ve spread through the grass

Popping up in wild flowers


You carried a little bowl

It never held more than two or three berries at a time

You ate them quicker than I could gather them


There’s something about motherhood 

That makes me share these things with you


The taste of summer raspberries 

Half my smoothies

The last bites of my favorite treats

My fries


Anyone who knows me

Knows that sharing fries means deep love


So I gave you all the best berries

Only taking one or two for myself


You never would have known the difference 

But I would. 


6/29/20

For Everly


I tucked away a memory of you today

I remember noting it as it passed

Pressing the details into my memory

Only to find that when I got to the end of the day

Each one had slipped away

Like sand or dust in the wind


I wonder now

What that moment was

What it meant to me

Because I can only see the edges of it now

You playing

Me trying to take it all in


So many moments are lost this way

But well lived in the moment 



Thanks for reading! I hope that you all had a great summer! I am looking forward to the fall. It's my favorite season.


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