6/1/20
For Everly
I love the little things
That you call small rocks “crumbs”
That you say “Daddy is a man right now”
The way you kiss Greyson goodnight before his naps
Tell us each night that you “threw rocks in the river… car wash… milkshake… GOOD DAY”
Even when none of those things happened
The way you say “hold you for few minutes”
6/3/20
For Greyson
I thought I heard gunshots last night
As I was rocking you
With everything that has been going on
I wondered if they were coming for us
Because of our privilege
Because of our skin color
I wondered if they were going to show us how it felt to rock a baby to sleep
Not knowing that someone would come for them later
As I tried to rock against that voice
Telling me to be afraid
I googled “gunshots in West Jordan”
There was nothing
I was scared anyway
I want to teach you not to be afraid
Not to judge
to fight for those who are unable to fight for themselves
Not because they are weak
But because our system is not built for them
We must rebuild it
You and I
We must tear down all that keeps them from showing their strength
Because we should not be afraid of them
6/4/20
For Everly
We were enjoying the morning
Sitting in the shade
Your brother in Ama’s arms
When a fly flew in your face
It scared you
More than doctors
More than anything I have ever seen
I held you
You needed me
To hold you tight
You would not let me put you down
All morning
All day really
My little one
So big in my arms
Needing me.
6/13/20
For Greyson
I can’t believe that in just
Days
We will be 6 months into this journey together
6 months of midnight feeds
Of smiles
Of holding you
You’ll be eating solid foods
I can already see your face
The expression on it as you discover these new textures
It’s all so fleeting
This first year
here we are
Almost halfway through.
6/14/20
For Everly
You are a girl of extremes
From high to low
I wonder if it will last
My 0-60 girl
How can I teach you to ride the highs
To embrace the lows
Without losing yourself to them?
6/15/20
For Greyson
When I put you down
After nursing you back to sleep
I leave my hand on your cheek
And you cuddle into it
It’s natural
Instinctive
It has been this way since you were new
But you’ve already changed the face you make when you want something
When just last week it was the same as it has been from when you were new
So I’ll keep leaving my hand there
Until the day you no longer cuddle into it
Maybe even
After that
6/17/20
For Greyson
There’s something sacred
In the way you fall asleep in my arms
Mouth nursing
Hand resting on my breast
Sometimes I forget
That these little moments are limited
Get lost in the normalcy of these interactions
The same way I sometimes forget that your father is magic
With the way he loves and cares for me
The way I sometimes forget that your sister is a miracle
That I grew her and birthed her
The way I grew you
The way I forget that
I am magic
So when you fell asleep in my arms
After I had climbed out of the bath to nurse you
Wrapped in just a towel
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror
Bare back with a sleeping babe in my arms
I remembered that I was magic
That my body
This body
Has housed and fed two humans besides me
Has been the one to carry tiny bodies to and from cribs
Up stairs and up mountains
That these hands have calmed and soothed hundreds of tears and tantrums
You reminded me of the magic, dear one
6/18/20
For Everly
Sometimes we get to the end of the day
I wonder what we’ve done with all the hours in between
Waking
And sleeping
I run everything backwards
Until I remember that we watched She-ra
And before that Frozen
Before that was nap time
Daddy stayed with you before you fell asleep
We ate ice cream
“Turkey” (roast chicken)
You had me stay in your room
While you repeatedly said goodnight to your bear
Which you had wrapped in Greyson’s blanket
Tucked into your pillow
We played outside
I wind it all back to the moment when I got you from your room
6/20/20
For Everly
You looked lost when we got to Little Dell
As the other kids rushed around you
You held your shoulders tense
As if sensing that they would try to touch you
It took almost the whole time
For you to warm up
You carried your rocks in your hat
New and already dirty
Waiting for the river
When we found it
More of a stream
You could have stayed there all day
For Greyson
I nursed you go the sound of the waves against the shore
Gentle waves
It was just you and me
Tucked in against the water
with wild yellow roses
Like our own secret garden
Everything was quietly alive
Even you and I
Especially you and I
6/21/20
For Everly
You stained your fingers blue and purple
Eating frozen berries in the sunshine
You sat in my lap as you are them
Because it was the only place “safe”
From the flies
Sometimes I wish I could go back to those childhood moments
Where you didn’t worry about stained fingers
Or clothes
But then I remember childhood fears
Spiders
Mice
Darkness
I’m not sure I would trade knowledge and wisdom
And the opportunity to be a safe place
For feeling safe in my mother’s lap
For Greyson
A few days ago
I put your sister’s old hat on your head
It wasn’t until we were across the yard
Following your sister to “see snakes”
That I caught a whiff of it
The smell of summer
Captured in the fabric of that green polka dotted hat
Sunscreen
Chlorine
Something else I can’t name
I couldn’t stop myself
From holding you close
Kissing your head through the fabric
To smell those memories of summer
6/25/20
For Everly
We picked raspberries
From the bushes along the side of the fence
Where they’ve spread through the grass
Popping up in wild flowers
You carried a little bowl
It never held more than two or three berries at a time
You ate them quicker than I could gather them
There’s something about motherhood
That makes me share these things with you
The taste of summer raspberries
Half my smoothies
The last bites of my favorite treats
My fries
Anyone who knows me
Knows that sharing fries means deep love
So I gave you all the best berries
Only taking one or two for myself
You never would have known the difference
But I would.
6/29/20
For Everly
I tucked away a memory of you today
I remember noting it as it passed
Pressing the details into my memory
Only to find that when I got to the end of the day
Each one had slipped away
Like sand or dust in the wind
I wonder now
What that moment was
What it meant to me
Because I can only see the edges of it now
You playing
Me trying to take it all in
So many moments are lost this way
But well lived in the moment
Thanks for reading! I hope that you all had a great summer! I am looking forward to the fall. It's my favorite season.
No comments:
Post a Comment